Hope Blooms in the Spring
by rosesaregreen
Summary: "Whatever was behind it, she could care less. He was hers and she was his. Like the constant promise of spring and fresh rain and rebirth, there was never any other option but this." Post-Mockingjay Everlark.
1. The First Spring

_A/N: Hey all! So this is my first crack at Hunger Games fanfiction. I never felt I could handle characters that meant this much to me in a good way, but I'm really happy how this turned out! I imagine this story be between 5-7 chapters of just moments I loved and imagined. Each chapter will switch between Katniss or Peeta's POV. I hope you all like it and **please** leave feedback and even ideas of what you may want to see! _

_**Disclaimer: As much as I wish I created these characters, Suzanne Collins is getting the paycheck**  
_

* * *

He came back on the first day of spring. Katniss couldn't help the pang of fear sided with a tinge of excitement when she first saw him outside her living room window. She was biting into an apple that Sae forced into her hands, on her way to the kitchen for breakfast when she glanced outside. The apple fell from her hand as she stared at his wide frame hunched over on the ground in her bushes. His blonde curls were matted together with sweat, a look of determination furrowing his brows together. Peeta Mellark was in her bushes doing lord knows what. Hell, forget the bushes.

Peeta Mellark was back in District 12.

Katniss did not know what to feel: she was definitely afraid of the kid, her neck instantly feeling the tightness of his strong hands crushing the air from her lungs. But it was _him_ and she could never go without a feeling of content and…excitement when he was around. She felt the haze of desolation and nothingness lift slightly at the sight of him leaning back on his knees and wiping sweat from his forehead.

"You should go say hello to the boy." The sound of Greasy Sae's gruff yet gentle voice startled Katniss to the point of jumping from the window. "You've been staring at him for a good five minutes, child. He isn't some stranger." Katniss simply looked at Sae as if she had lost her mind. She had no idea what Peeta went through back in the Capitol, the hijacking and wiping of his beautiful memories. How they turned him into a killing machine; a monster. How they made him hate her. No, the Peeta she knew was gone. The boy outside her window _was_ a stranger. But, Katniss felt her head nod and her feet start for the door. The warm spring air washed over her skin as the sun pinched at her eyes. The air was fresh and new unlike the staleness that radiated throughout her house. Katniss did not realize how much she had missed the freshness of the outdoors and the newness of life.

"You're back." Her voice came out weak and frail, just about right for the Katniss of today. His blue eyes are more piercing than ever, the life pumped back into them after months of therapy and hard work. She felt a heart flutter at the thought of how much healthier he looked then ran a hand through her mangled uneven mane at how insane she knew _she_ looked.

"Finally." He said with a small smirk. "Dr. Aurelius didn't think I was stable enough to be alone until a few days ago."

"Why…why did you come back here?" She really was curious. The place they once called home was barely that these days. The district had gone up in flames shortly after the Quarter Quell had ended, balls of fire from the bombs destroying the only place they had ever felt safe. Besides all that, she was here, and he hated her.

"What do you mean _why_? Everything I have is here." He looked at her again, his eyes piercing her soul and she suddenly felt uncomfortable, borderline unsafe.

"What are you planting?"

"Oh. I, uh, I found these in the woods. I thought it would be nice to plant them here. You know, for her." Katniss inspected the bush again and instantly recognized the blooming flowers. Primrose.

Katniss ran back into the house and to her room, the door slamming behind her shaking her to her core. Even when hijacked by the Capitol, that boy's inherent kindness was still so much a part of him. The pit in her soul deepened at the thought of Prim; sweet, pure, beautiful Prim. Katniss was too often reminded that her soul, her light and her reason to survive all those games and battles in a war were for that sweet tiny girl with the long blonde pigtails and hopeful smile. She was too often wondering why air still pumped through her lungs. She didn't want to live anymore, but she had to. It would be a waste to not. Good ol' Katniss Everdeen; always living as to not let other people down.

A few days later he was at her door, knocking this time. He had a fresh loaf of bread in his hands and an unsure look on his face.

"I hope you don't mind that…that I brought this." Peeta was shaking with nervousness and Katniss couldn't help but smirk lightly. "You just look so…so thin and I thought that maybe you would like…you know…some bread?"

"Thank you, Peeta." The familiar roll of his name off her lips made them tingle slightly. She had forgotten how much she enjoyed the syllables of his name matched with her voice. She had missed him. She stepped away from the door to give him room to enter the house. She noticed his nose scrunch slightly at the smell of the house. She quickly opened a few windows as he sat the bread on the table.

"How have you been?" She asked him keeping the distance between them. She was still unsure of how much she could trust the boy she once knew. Who knows how long it will be before the unwarranted feeling of his hands on her throat would vanish at the sight of him.

"Alright, I guess. Substantially better than the last time you saw me. It was…it was good, working with Dr. Aurelius. He really helped me a lot, Katniss. He wants you to call him, you know. He can't help you if you don't answer the phone." She rolled her eyes but deep down knew Peeta was right. She just couldn't allow herself to let the Capitol offer her anything, even if it could possibly make her a more functioning human being. Or something like that.

"Maybe I'll call him tomorrow." He narrowed his eyes at her and she was surprised at the familiarity of the gaze. Peeta would always narrow his eyes at her when he suspected her of lying to him. Her mouth fell open slightly and she took a few steps toward him. This couldn't be happening. Peeta couldn't…there was no way _her_ Peeta could be coming back to life, not after all that has happened.

"I can…I can be with you when you call. If you want." Katniss was still staring at him, still in awe at the small revelation. They both knew that she couldn't do this alone. She nodded.

"What kind of bread did you make?" She walked around the table and took the loaf in her hands pressing it to her nose slightly and taking in the scent. It smelled of cinnamon.

"Cinnamon raisin." She walked to the kitchen to grab a knife to slice the bread, her foreign desire for food coming back slightly. Peeta always baked the best bread and the warm comforting smell the loaf, and possibly even him, brought to the house was undeniable. He watched her intently as she sliced two thick pieces for the two of them. They ate quietly, the sounds of their full mouths dancing with the singing of the birds from outside the open windows. Katniss could not help but notice how calm she felt. She hadn't felt this at ease since…well, she couldn't remember when.

"Have you been out to woods recently?" Her shoulders tensed and a tightness ran across her temples. Well, it was nice while it lasted.

"Um...n—no."

"You should. The leaves on the trees are just starting to come back and the flowers are blooming. The game is probably more plentiful now that spring is here." His brow furrows are he squints his eyes at her as if he's trying to remember something and she shifts under his intense gaze. "You like to hunt…real or not real?" Ah, real or not real: the game they played while Peeta had joined their unit during the war. He had a hard time deciphering what memories the Capitol generated and what memories were actually real.

She nodded. "Real."

"Um…well, I could bring you another loaf later at dinnertime…if you want." His eyes were focused on his shoes and she allowed herself a wider smile this time since he could not see her.

"That…that would be nice, Peeta." Katniss added his name at the end to remind herself that he was really here and he really was better. And that little reminder was enough to make her think that maybe someday she could be, too.

* * *

Peeta spends most of his days at her house now, their time better spent ruined together than completely shattered apart. Peeta will come to her door each morning, fresh loaf in one hand and the pieces of his broken persona leaving a trail behind him to litter with hers. Most days are quiet: Peeta painting or baking, Katniss either staring at the free world from the windows or at his steady hands. They work on the book together, reminding themselves why they must push through the heartache and survive. The smiles mixed with the tearful memories mend them in more than one way. She can't bring herself to go into the woods quite yet, the reality of the freedom it will bring her still scaring her slightly. But she has Peeta to egg her on, to make her feel braver than she truly is. He doesn't realize that her nightmares were born there, that in that wide expanse of land that once brought her so much comfort and safety lies the faces of all those she let slip away.

"Katniss." The way he says her name, so soft and wonderful, makes her feel emotions she didn't think could exist within her anymore along with some very unfamiliar ones.

"Hmm?" She was washing the dishes from breakfast and she could feel his intense eyes on her.

"I want you to go into the woods today." Katniss felt the plate slip from her fingers and into the soap filled sink at the command.

"What?" She didn't want to face him, knowing his eyes would get her. They always had a way of exemplifying what his silky words wanted.

"I think you are ready. Honestly! I just…I think getting out the house could be good." She swallowed hard and searched her frayed mind for an accurate response.

"I think you are wrong." Her voice was weak, per usual. Sometimes faint moments of attitude and strength would seep into her words. But only sometimes.

"I think you're underestimating yourself. You don't even have to hunt. Just…_go_." She finally turned, a feeling of uncertainty swimming inside her. Did he want to get rid of her that badly? Was her company that appalling that it was stunting his ability to get better? She thought they were getting better _together_, the smiles that made it onto her lips were actually genuine now and his eyes were becoming less and less cloudy. His questioning of what was real and not real lessoning. As if he could sense her reprehension he shook his head.

"I'm not trying to get rid of you."

"Seems like it."

"There is nothing I enjoy more than time with you, Katniss. But, I know that you need your woods. You need the fresh air and the wind in your braid. You need the quiet crunch of leaves under your boots and the feel of a tree on your back. I know that you're scared of what memories will haunt you out there, but you know better than anyone that you have to face the nightmares before you can start to cast them away." His arms found their way around his shoulders squeezing slightly. It was as if he was reminding himself just as much as he was reminding her. As usual, he was right. She could see it in his eyes, the cloudiness returning at the sight of her. She could see his mind fighting, trying to decipher if she was a mutt or the girl he once loved. But he always came back and that is only because he decided to face the source of his terrors rather than run from them.

"Alright."

"Alright?"

"Yes. I'll go." She wanted him to wrap his arms around her and hold her close like he used to do when she was frightened. Neither of them was ready for that.

"I'm glad." He smiled slightly and she couldn't help but reciprocate. She rummaged through her room for her old hunting gear, the sight of her father's old hunting jacket giving her a slight giddiness. Maybe she was ready for this. She slipped on her cargo pants and a green shirt then the jacket, grabbed her shoes and bounded back down the steps. Peeta watched as she laced up her boots, no words needing to be said.

"Be safe." He whispered as he walked her to the door. He followed her outside.

"You know…you can stay here while I'm gone. I don't mind." He shrugged his shoulders, which have grown broader over the last few weeks. The boy with the bread was quickly becoming a man.

"It's alright. I haven't been at my place much these days. I should go clean up a little. Maybe go visit Haymitch and make sure he has enough booze to last him until the next train." She frowned slightly.

"Be back for dinner?"

"Of course." They went their separate ways and as the distance between them grew, the tightness of anxiety entered her chest. She turned back to see his form walking away and all she wanted to do was to run back to him. They haven't been this far apart since he came back to twelve, and the feelings of loss and everything she ever cared about being snatched away overwhelmed her.

"Peeta!" She screamed. He stopped walking and faced her. The same look of despair was on his face, but he managed a smile.

"You'll be fine!" He yelled back and continued towards his house. If he believed in her, she had no reason to disobey.

Katniss took reluctant steps towards town, the soft earth lessoning the feeling of stress she couldn't seem to shake. The spring air was on the cusp of summer, the heat dampening slightly with the increased moisture in the air. Katniss was stunned by how much the demolished town had grown since people had begun to trickle back in. She had been too preoccupied with her own demons to venture into town much, and she was sad about it. A few shops had sprouted up in the square, a full-fledged market now rested where the ashes of the old Hob once lay. Greasy Sae and Thom were conversing when they saw her walking around aimlessly. They greeted her with wide smiles and approval.

"Good to see you back on your feet, Ms. Everdeen." Thom said to her as she walked by. Katniss nodded slightly then continued out the square and on the familiar path to the gate. She watched the gate suspiciously for a few moments, unsure what to do. The electricity was off for good, but there was a new door that rested over her old crawling space. Part of her craved to dig a new hole simply for the familiarity of it, but that was useless energy to be wasted. She slid the door and entered her former safe haven. Her feet followed her old path, her mind immediately at ease. It seemed like seconds had passed when she was at the old log where her father's bow and arrows were stashed. She sat on the log and took a deep breath of the fresh forest air. It was as if Katniss was waiting for someone to meet her, someone with quiet steps that always seemed to sneak up on her.

Gale.

But she knew better. She knew he was not coming today, or ever for that matter. That tall boy with the dark hair and identical grey Seam eyes; the boy whom she called her best friend and her safe haven was lost to her. It wasn't even so much that he could have played a heavy hand in the plan that took her sweet sisters life; it was more than that. It was the fact that he was everything she was. He was gasoline to fuel her fire, the wind that stretched her path of terror farther than it ever needed to go. Too many things have happened in the course of their friendship for things to remain the same. Katniss was slowly realizing that trying to survive on the heat of hate and broken emotions was not healthy. It was more destructive than anything.

As the fresh free air of her woods pumped through her lungs, Katniss wondered how she ever thought she wasn't ready for this moment. If anything, she was straining herself by not coming sooner. It was evident that her body was no longer accustomed to the physicality of traveling the forest (her breathing growing rapid as she pulled herself into a tree) but it just made her more eager to spend more time getting back to how things used to be. Her woods seemed to stretch for miles and it was the only uncertain thing that made her feel at ease. She loved the idea of getting lost forever in the trees and grass. The image of Peeta sitting next to her in the tree, his body shaking from fear of falling brought a wide smile to her lips. He would like it out here if he could just get over his fears and appreciate the beauty. Her smile left her quickly at the sudden loneliness overtaking her. She wanted not only Peeta, but her sister and Gale and Finnick and ever her mother. Being surrounded by all this serenity and beauty was beginning to tear at her. Her heart was pounding inside her chest and threatening to escape. Her hands pressed to her ears to squeeze the inevitable sounds of their agonizing screams and her teeth were pressed so tightly together that she could feel the enamel wearing away. But the screams never came and eventually, her heart rate slowed. It was all in her mind, a terror that she felt was necessary to create. Her woods were too perfect it seemed; too perfect for someone as broken and fucked up like her. She was undeserving of its wonder, always had been.

Katniss shimmied from the tree she was in and began to walk back to town. She felt stronger, more confident in herself. There was a lightness on her heart at her discovery: regardless of what she felt she did or did not deserve, it was still hers. This was her forest and it will always belong to her. It will always bring her peace even when she feels she cannot handle it. She did not deserve the love of those the Capitol took from her, but she could not change the fact that she had their love. Their love changed her, made her strong and brave and she was grateful for that. She passed a bush of fresh Primrose at the height of its bloom and she picked a stem from its home. She hummed lightly as she weaved the flower into her messy braid. The sun was beginning to leave the sky when she walked past the arch to the Victors Village. The lights were on in her house and she knew Peeta was inside making something for them to share for dinner. When she walked through the door he was sitting on the couch, his hair visibly messy from his hands running through them nervously. She could smell a vegetable stew going in the kitchen and her mouth began to water at her forgotten hunger. Peeta stood up and studied her, unsure how to decipher the girl in front of him. Was she broken or slightly renewed? He was worried about her, had been all day, and that made an unfamiliar flutter in the pit of her stomach surface. Without thinking, she walked to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He stood stunned, arms plastered to his sides and muscles rigid.

"Thank you, Peeta." She whispered into his shoulder. His muscles instantly relaxed and his arms rose to envelop her in such a familiar and desired warmth that she felt herself shudder. One of his hands found the Primrose in her hair and played with the petals gently.

"I missed you today."

"I missed you, too." Katniss wasn't one for words, but she was anxious to tell him about her experience in the woods. She might even tell him that he was right. Maybe.

* * *

The first time it happens in front of her, she was paralyzed with fear. It was an unseasonably hot day for the first few days of summer. No matter how many windows they opened or fans they turned on, the heat still hung on the walls. Their shirts had no choice but to hang to their sweat covered skin. The heat didn't bother Katniss much; she enjoyed it in comparison to the bitter cold. Heat made her want to be productive in comparison to the depression inducing cold. Peeta on the other hand hated it. He was constantly pulling at his shirt and running to his house to change only to soil his fresh shirt the moment he reentered her house. He sat in front of the fan in the living room, eyes closed and brow tight from frustration. He couldn't bring himself to bake or even lift his paintbrush to the canvas. It was _that_ hot.

Katniss didn't think anything of it when she left the house to hunt that day, though. She simply squeezed his shoulder on her way out into the scorching heat, her sweaty feet screaming at the soles of her leather boots. She took it easy that day, taking her time walking through the square to buy a few oranges and bottles of water. She felt oddly friendly today at the prospect of summer. She managed to hold a few conversations with the people in town even patted the heads of the few kids running around jumping into the new fountain at the center of the square. Her woods were quiet today, the soft breeze rustling through the trees. This was heatstroke weather, so she set up a few snares and nestled into a tree. The mockingjay's were flying from tree to tree above her and she whistled a few notes for them to mimic while she peeled her oranges. She wondered if this calmness running inside her could be what some would call happiness. But she didn't dwell on that idea too much. The sweet voices of the mockingjay's lulled her to sleep and when her eyes flew open, the sun was making a it's quick descent from the sky. She jumped from the tree quickly and grabbed two rabbits and two squirrels from her snares and ran back to town, the darkness and remarkably cooler air at her heels. She knew Peeta would be worried and lo and behold there he was on the back patio staring at the road, hair mangled from his nervous habit of running his hands through it.

"Katniss! Thank god! I was so worried!" He panted to her as she jumped the fence to go in through the back.

"Nothing to be worried about." She mumbled to him. She didn't want to tell him that she had been carless and fell asleep. That for the first time in months she seemed to be happy to be alive enjoying the little things life could bring and allowed herself to get carelessly carried away. She no longer felt like talking.

"Katniss it was a good 100 degrees out there this afternoon! I thought…well, I don't know what I thought. Haymitch told me I was out of my mind but…he just…he doesn't understand how _dangerous—"_

"Peeta." She turned to face him and smiled lightly at his overbearingness. "I'm _here_. I am all right! And I managed to snare two rabbits along with your favorite squirrels, so I'd say this adventure wasn't in vain." She walked inside with Peeta not far behind.

"It got so late…"

"I know and I apologize for that. I lost track of the sun. It was just such a nice day, ya know? I didn't want to miss it." His face softened at this and that sweet crooked smile skated across his lips.

"I'm sorry. I'm ruining this for you, aren't I? You had such a good day and here I go taking it away from you."

"Nonsense. Now, do me a favor and grab my skinning knife from the drawer?" Katniss slammed her game bag on the table, a habit Peeta couldn't stand but learned to deal with. She loved seeing his skittish jump at the sound of future dinner slamming on the wooden table. Katniss began to talk aimlessly as he went into the kitchen for her knife. Maybe she really was in the mood for talking after all.

"The sun was just so _beautiful_ today, Peeta! I can't remember the last time I could look at the sky and appreciate how beautiful it is. How beautiful _twelve_ is. Even after everything it's been through, it really is thriving. The summer is showing it so much. Oh and I talked to Delly in town today. She said she would be more than happy to cut your hair because we both agree that it's getting a little out of control. Peeta?" Her catches of the day were laid and organized on the table but the knife wasn't in her hands. Katniss looked up and that was when she saw him. She must have been so consumed in unpacking her bag and speaking that she missed the sound of the silverware drawer crashing to the ground, forks, knives and spoons splattered across the floor. Peeta was hunched over the counter; his hands grasping onto the countertop so hard his knuckles were white as snow, the blood completely drained. His eyes were squeezed so tightly that his entire face was covered in stressful wrinkles; his jaw clenched so much she thought the bone would burst through his skin. His muscles were rigid and he was heaving as if the air couldn't seem to get to his lungs fast enough.

"P-P-Peeta?" She repeated his name, the sound coming out of her in a squeak. Katniss had never seen one of his episodes and had no idea what to do. She was…she was _afraid_ of him. A loud grunt came from his lips as his hands balled into fist and began to pound on the counter. Katniss was frozen in her seat, her mind creating the image of him stomping towards her and wrapping his hands around her throat, finishing the job this time. She watched in horror as he crumbled to the floor, his hands pulling at his hair violently as screams of terror escaped him.

"Make it stop! Make it stop! Go away! You aren't real!" He screamed to the hallucinations haunting him as he began to sob. He was so weak and helpless and all Katniss could do was watch. It felt like hours went by until his breathing finally slowed to a somewhat normal rate. His muscles began to slack and his hands slowly untangled themselves from his head taking a few clumps of hair with them. Sobs were still running through him, but they were slowing to a stop. He sat up against the cabinet behind him and took his head in his hands. His bright sapphire eyes were dark with fear. His iris's basically vanished when he met Katniss's face. It was as if he didn't realize she was here, that she had seen it all. He looked around as if he had no idea where he was.

"W-where am I? Katniss? How are you…Did I? Oh god, no…"

"Peeta w-wh—"Before she could say anything more he was on his feet and out the house. Katniss sat there, mouth agape and eyes wide, unsure how to process what she just witnessed. He rarely spoke about them, foolish of her to think his time in the capitol had cured them. He just seemed so…so normal since he got back. He never allowed the attention to draw on him for too long, simply brushing his struggles off with, "I'm handling it. The therapy helped. I have a method. I'm completely fine. How are _you_, Katniss?" Typical Peeta always worrying about everyone but himself. It was the one sick attribute they had in common the only difference being that Katniss was selfish and he wasn't. She never thought twice about if he was really doing all right, always eager to turn the conversation on her needs. It was always about _her_ nightmares and how _she_ couldn't seem to sleep and how _she_ was so lonely without her family.

Peeta was lonely, too. He lost his entire family and life, too. He was just as broken as she, if not more. And what does she do after all the kindness and gentle words and warm embraces he has given her? She just sat there and _watched_ like it was some weird television show that she couldn't seem to turn off. The 77th Annual Hunger Games featuring lonely hi-jacked Peeta Mellark and the demons the Capitol placed inside him. Katniss had never hated herself more than in this moment.

Katniss went into the kitchen and cleaned up the mess, leaving the skinning knife out so she could take care of the animals festering on her kitchen table. She skinned and gutted the game quickly, salting and freezing the two rabbits and one squirrel, leaving one out for dinner. She chopped up some carrots, broccoli and onions along with the squirrel and tossed them into a pot to stew. She waited for the stew to finish, placed a top on the pot and carried it with her out the door. She didn't know if she should knock on his door, giving him the option to lock her out. She noticed it was slightly ajar, so she kicked it open with her foot and walked inside. An audible gasp left her as she took in the home. Peeta's house was always warmer and homey-er than hers and Haymitch's. The simple fact that it was Peeta that was living in the space made it seem more like a _home_ that just a few painted walls and furniture. But this house was a starkly different story. The furniture was tossed this way and that, pillows torn open with feathers littering the floor. Picture frames and books were tossed everywhere and the wallpaper had visible claw markings.

She made her way to the kitchen where Peeta was on his hands and knees sweeping up what looked to be broken glass. Another episode occurred before she got here which made her heart sink deeper into her chest. She placed the stew on the stovetop and bent down next to him. He refused to meet her eyes as she looked at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She said softly, a little more confidence was brought back to her after her obvious weakness before. He simply continued sweeping.

"It wasn't your concern." The heat of anger swept over her cheeks and down her spine at those words. How dare he? This was completely her business. She shook her head at her anger towards him. It was selfish of her to turn this around and once again make his pain about her.

"_What_? Peeta, how could you say that? How could you continuously take on all my baggage and not let me take on yours?"

"Because you were getting better and I already had my chance to get better. All of this—" He motioned to the destruction of his home "You don't need any of this to keep you from getting better."

"Oh, Peeta—"

"Don't! Don't do that!" He slammed the dustpan on the ground and finally faced her. His face was white as a ghost from the back-to-back episodes. His eyes were tired and lifeless. "I had my chance to get better. I thought I _was_ better. And seeing how my being around made you better, I thought I could be better, too. And in a way, I am. But the fact of the matter is, there is no hope for me. The Capitol took me and they ruined me. They destroyed me and there isn't enough therapy in the world to change that. My condition is permanent. But _you? _Katniss, you can appreciate everything we fought for. You have a chance for a normal life. You can have everything you want. Me? There is no hope for me."

Tears slipped from her eyes at these revelations coming from her dandelion. How could he not understand how important he was? How could the Boy with the Bread not realize that he _is_ hope? And how could she not have realized how deep the Capitol's damage had cut?

"Peeta _you_ are the reason I am doing better. How gentle you are with me even when I don't deserve it, how sweet and loving you are. How _good_ you are. You remind me that there are still good things in this fucked up world. If you had never planted those flowers outside my house that day, I would still be locked in room, wasting away, filthy and unwilling to live.

"Ever since that night when you threw me that bread and when I saw you in the schoolyard and noticed the first dandelions of the spring sprouting at your feet, I knew. _You_ are hope, Peeta Mellark. Without you there is no hope, there is no me, there is no future. There _is_ a chance for you. So what if the Capitol says you can never get better, can never get back to that beautiful sweet boy with the crooked smile that could persuade anyone of anything? That boy is already back and he is here, with me, Katniss Everdeen. And she cares about him so, so much, regardless of his damage. She can help him but only if he lets her. And _that_, is real."

The blue of his iris's returned and his face softened as the tears poured down his face. Katniss took the shivering boy in her arms and rubbed circles into his back. She noticed the patches in his head from where he pulled his hair and silently realized why he so strongly refused a haircut. Slowly, they got up from the floor. Katniss fed them both, one spoonful to him the next to her and so on, until the pot of stew was empty. He watched half-heartedly as she swept up the remaining shattered dishes. The rest of the house could wait for another day. She led him up the stairs and ran a shower for him. When he walked out the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist, Katniss blushed slightly then ran into the bathroom to wash off the day. A pair of his boxers and one of his t-shirts was sitting on the toilet seat when she stepped out. Peeta was sitting up in the bed when she walked out the steamy bathroom, a lost look still on his face. Without a second thought, Katniss crawled into bed beside him and pressed a hand to his blazing cheek. He slid down next to her and she wrapped her arms around his wide waist.

"Promise me you won't ever leave." She heard him say in the middle of the night when she was nearly lost to sleep. The only response she could manage was the one he once whispered to her while she was under a syrup-induced haze.

"Always."

* * *

It was as if her muscles became hundred pound weights overnight. Her lungs felt like fire as the toxic air slipped inside them. Her head made her believe the world was under a hazy fog, her thoughts dark and heartbreaking. Katniss was having one of _those_ days: the special days that would come and paralyze her physically and emotionally. Getting out of bed was never an option, only when threatened with the very possible threat of soiling herself would she manage to fall to the floor and crawl to the bathroom. She hated these days because there was nothing she, or Peeta for that matter, could do to make them better. There was no way to predict them like one of Peeta's episode or her assured night terrors. She would awake with an incomprehensible feeling of loneliness and despair in her chest, her muscles heavy and mind lost. Twenty-four hours of absolute horror and she had no control over it.

"Katniss?" His breath was hot near her ear, but she could feel his presence and that was already making this day slightly less horrific than the others like it. She could not deny that taking on the added duty of nurturing his damage along with her own had sent her backwards slightly. Her nightmares were returning at a more frequent rate, the tales of his episodes slipping into her subconscious. As much as she tried to hide it for him, she knew he knew. It was in the way he would look at her from across the room with subtle resentment in his eyes or in the way he would squeeze her so tightly in bed at night and whisper "I am so sorry" when he thought she had drifted to sleep after a terror. This was the first time in the months she and Peeta had grown closer and he was unsure what to do. He tried coaxing her downstairs with the prospect of pancakes and hot fresh maple syrup. Katniss didn't even blink.

"Katniss…I…I don't know what to do. _Help_ me help you." She wanted to help him, god did she want to make him stop worrying about her! But her voice was trapped deep inside her bottomless soul along with her sister, and Finnick and Boggs… His warm thumb wiped the tear that slipped from her eyes.

"Alright…I'm going to take some of the leftover turkey to Haymitch but I will be _right_ back, okay?" He waited for a moment, hoping for a response, and then the pressure of his body was gone from the bed. Katniss curled her legs closer to her chest and watched the green wall in front of her. The same questions kept playing in her head on a loop.

Why was she breathing and not her sister?

Why did Peeta and the entire country think she was worth saving?

Why was everything she ever loved snatched from her?

_Why_?

As the shadow of the sun moved across the wall as the day went on, the questions were asked and no answer was ever found. The eyes of her sweet sister, of the flirtatious Finnick, gentle Rue, and all those who died so she could take up space, rested on the wall. Katniss assumed it was early evening when the sound of feet returned downstairs. Peeta had been gone for longer than a few minutes and she had just now realized. The glare of the sun no longer danced along her wall of memories, instead, the darkness festering inside her escaping to envelope the room. The sound of heavy footsteps grew closer until he was standing before her, frazzled worry ridden along his face.

"Katniss you have to get up. This isn't healthy…" Unable to bear the helplessness on the face of the boy she did not deserve, she turned her back to him and pulled the covers over her head. "This is all my fault." Katniss desperately needed to tell him this had nothing to do with him, that this was an effect of the Capitol as was everything fucked up in their lives. He was the only thing anchoring her to the real world that reminded her that this feeling was temporary. Before he came back to twelve, everyday was spent like this, arms wide open for the cold hands of death. But Katniss had Peeta now, and he was her best friend, her hope, her future, her heart… But she was no good with words, especially not on days like this where words were as foreign to her as to a mewborn.

Peeta went back downstairs mumbling about making dinner; she wished she had the ability to ask him to stay. Even if she couldn't be there for him today, his presence made her…made her feel _something_. The sound of pots crashing startled her slightly. The sounds of crashing and frightened grunts filled the house and she knew he was having an episode. If she were normal, Katniss would be panicking and rushing to help Peeta, but she _wasn't_. Today was a selfish day where she could only wallow in her own pain. But he needed her now and she knew that even through her haze of agony, and that had to mean something. Right?

"P-P-P-Pee-t-a?" The low squeak left her almost inaudibly, but the sound gave her confidence to try again. "Peeta!" This time was nearly a scream, but she knew he was no longer in reality. He needed her arms around his shoulders and her voice in his ears reminding him where he belonged. Katniss grunted as she attempted to push her body to a sitting position, which took a few tries. When she was up, she swung her heavy legs over the bed and felt the cool wood at her toes. Her steps were slow and labored, but she was _moving_ and gaining strength with each step. His heavy breathing and screams for help were getting closer as she managed the final step. The kitchen was littered with pots and silverware making a path to where Peeta was curled in a ball underneath the dining room table.

Katniss approached slowly on her hands and knees crawling to meet him under the table. She pressed her hand to his back softly and he slid away slightly.

"Peeta it's just me. It's Katniss. Whatever you are seeing, it isn't real." He remained trembling with his eyes locked shut. His hands rose to cover his ears. Desperate, Katniss crawled to the other side of the table and gently pulled his head into her lap. She ran her hands through his curls softly, a gesture that always seemed to calm both of them, and sang the words that first made him notice her all those years ago:

_Down in the valley, the valley so low  
Hang your head over hear the wind blow_

_Hear the wind blow, dear, hear the wind blow_

_Hang your head over, hear the wind blow_

She slowly pried his hands from his ears and leaned next to his face. His teeth were chattering as if he were cold. She continued:

_Roses love sunshine, violets love dew_

_Angels in heaven know that I love you_

_Know I love you, dear know I love you_

_Angels in heaven know that I love you_

His eyes opened slowly, his cerulean iris's meeting her grey. He parted his lips as if to speak by Katniss shushed him and carried on:

_If you don't love me, love whom you please_

_Throw your arms round me give my heart ease_

_Give my heart ease, dear, give my heart ease_

"Katniss." His voice stopped her and she watched carefully as his muscles fully relaxed beneath her. "You still remember. After all these years…"

"I'm surprised _you_ still remember." She said with a hint of playfulness in her voice that he picked up on. His small smile warmed her heart but quickly went away in turn for his concentrated look of confusion.

"You sang the Valley Song on the first day of school and wore your hair in two braids instead of one. Real or not real?"

"Real." His brows remained furrowed in concentration, Katniss unsure of what question he would ask he next.

"That was day I fell in love with you?" Katniss swallowed, unsure how to respond. The way he asked her let her know he already knew the reality of the answer, but he wanted to hear her—needed to hear her say it.

"That's what you told me, once. You told me the moment you heard me sing all the birds all stopped to listen and you were a goner." Katniss smiled at the memory in the cave when he poured his heart out to her. Back then, she thought it was all just a game, and it was to a certain extent. But now the old Capitol was gone and they were rebuilding their life. She did her best to suppress the warmth that filled her when he smiled at her in _that_ special way, or when his fingertips would graze her arms gently sending fire up and down her veins, or how when he would hold her to his chest in an embrace, all she wants is to press her lips to the soft flesh of his chest, his neck, his jawline, his lips… Why did she fight the feelings so completely, though? Peeta was forced to hate her and yet somehow, someway, he found the love they stole from him all over again. He grounded her and supported her, loved her when she couldn't find the ability to love herself. Her mind shifted back to earlier in the day when the thought of moving seemed impossible. The thoughts of those she had lost consuming her, the notion that she would lose what little she still had drowning her… As much as she wanted Peeta in that way, she would never be able to let those demons pass through her. She didn't know _how._

"You blamed yourself, didn't you? That's why you had an episode?" He nodded.

"I couldn't reach you, no matter what I did. You were so distant and I even asked Haymitch for advice and he was just a pain in the ass, which frustrated me even more. He told me that sometimes there is nothing that can be done and I just refuse to believe that because look at how far we both have come when we were told there was nothing to be done!"

"Peeta, this has nothing to do with you. You brought me out of this! Before you came back, I spent everyday the way I was today. Never blame yourself for when I relapse, alright?"

"But—"

"We are both getting better. That is what matters."

* * *

It was getting harder for Katniss to ignore her feelings. They were in the pinnacle of summer, the heat scorching and unrelenting. Peeta walked around the house shirtless these days, the idea of wearing useless clothing in this heat an unsaid joke. It was difficult for her to ignore the way his muscles shifted when he walked around or stretched to reach the flour on the top shelf. His shoulders had broadened multitudes making his frame wide and inviting. The small remnants of his youthful baby fat faded away leaving his face sculpted and sharp. The boy with the bread was now a man and Katniss was wrestling with the more womanly thoughts this change was planting inside her. Her mind often replayed the hunger she felt for him during that first real kiss in the cave and the one on the beach during the Hunger Games. The feeling was unexpected but not unwelcomed, and she found that hunger lived in her permanently these days. Katniss was not one to live in her wants and desires instead in the more practical realm of her needs. But her desire for him in a more physical way was on the edge of blinding her. She found herself staring at him all the time, blushing and turning away quickly when he would catch her eyes checking him out. He never approached her about it, simply smiling to himself and going back to whatever he was doing. Part of her wondered if he was dealing with the same blinding libido, wondered if the Capitol left him with the ability to feel in that way.

It happened one night when he had drifted into a somewhat peaceful sleep. Katniss was wide-awake, her thoughts distracting her though her body was screaming for rest. Peeta's arms were wrapped around her waist and his warm breath was falling on her shoulder. Their legs were intertwined like grapevines and she found herself concentrating on the way the hair on his legs tickled her own. The strange warmth she felt from deep below scaring her and her lack of knowledge on how to handle it. She had awoken many a night screaming from terrors of losing him. He would always ask her to tell him about the nightmares, but the ones about him were too hard to explain. How could she tell him that as of late, her nightmares were about losing him? About how her kiss was all it would take to save him from the claws of the Capitol, but he was always too far away or her own demons were holding her back from giving him what he needed?

Something poked her thigh lightly and she turned her eyes to see if he had awoken. His eyes were still shut lightly in a peaceful sleep and as she turned to investigate what was going on a loud gasp escaped her. The way his boxer shorts were raised at the center of his thighs gave her all the evidence she needed. Was it her doing this to him? Was he dreaming about another girl? Probably someone prettier and sweeter than she. Has this happened before and she was just too oblivious to notice? He stirred slightly and her body froze. Would he be embarrassed if he knew that she knew? He turned onto his back and sighed, a name slipping from his lips. She could have sworn it was her own. Katniss would have brushed it off as her own stupid fantasies but when she heard "Oh, _Katniss_" at a much louder volume, she knew it was real. He was dreaming about her, doing god knows what and…and…oh God, she was blushing. The mere thought of her doing something that could make him react _that _way was enough to make her uncomfortable. The worst part was that she wanted to be able to make him feel that way outside of his dreams.

Quietly, she placed her arms on both sides of him so that she was hovering above him. His face was so calm, a slight smile resting on his full and so kissable lips. He seemed so deep into his dream that she could get away with giving into her desire just this _once_. Hell, he might even think it is his dream. Katniss rested her body on his, keeping most of the pressure on her arms as to not overwhelm him, then pressed her lips to his. The feeling of his lips was so familiar, so missed, and she couldn't help but sigh with relief. They were slightly chapped but she didn't mind. One of her hands found his messy hair and combed through it gently. She was so immersed in the splendor of the moment that she failed to notice the feel of hands on her hips anchoring her to him. The feeling of his lips moving against hers dragged her deeper into ecstasy. Wait…his lips were _moving_… She pulled away and was met with the confused blue-eyed gaze of the boy with the bread. Her cheeks were hot with embarrassment or desire; it all seemed to go hand in hand at this point. She couldn't decide if she was embarrassed because he caught her in a moment of weakness or simply because she was no good at this sort of thing.

One of his hands squeezed her hip gently and he smiled at her. She had no reason to be embarrassed or nervous because it was just him. It was just Peeta. He loved her; always has and always will. She leaned back on her knees so that he could sit up. She rested her hands on his chest and shook her head.

"Peeta I'm…I'm no good at this." He chuckled.

"Neither am I."

"You're good at everything."

"I'm not good at hunting."

"Touché." They laughed softly and gazed into each other's eyes. He was looking at her with so much love, the faint moonlight illuminating every emotion behind them.

"You said my name in your sleep." He blushed slightly.

"I was hoping you were asleep and didn't hear. Or…_feel_ for that matter." His mentioning of the third member in the room brought a matching blush to her cheeks.

"I thought you might have been thinking of someone else. T-to make you feel that…"

"Who else is there for me to think about, Katniss?" She shrugged her shoulders.

"Someone prettier and nicer than me. Someone who deserves you."

"You still don't get it, do you?" He rubbed circles into his temples then touched her cheek. "Katniss, I love _you_. There is no one else but _you_. I live for _you_, I exist for _you_." She knew this but there was something about hearing him say the words out loud that made it so clear. Peeta was amazing with words, could bring anyone to agree with him with his verbal persuasion. She was no exception.

"I know you don't feel the same way and I know that you could never even say it to me if you did, but none of that matters. You could never drive me away. I could never love anyone else. You told me once that I never said things I didn't mean and if I loved you all that time before…I don't see how it could ever be different." Katniss wished she could give him what he wanted, wished she could give him the words and the love and the happy stable future, but they both knew that wasn't possible. But he was still here and always would be here. He would stay until the words found confidence inside her or even if they never did. He loved her in her moments of weakness when the terrors would become too real and only the sound of his voice could remind her that they were far from real. Katniss was not one for living in her wants but she was realizing that neither was he. He needed her just as desperately as she needed him. She could never love him in the way that his romantic heart wanted: dinner dates, flowers and chocolates, _children_… But she could love him in the ways he needed: strong arms to combat the hallucinations, soft kisses to remind him that he was still the boy with the bread that has saved her life time and time again, a life _together_ as evidence that there was hope for him, for them.

She pressed her lips to his with everything she had. She was no good with words, but she wanted to show him just how much he meant to her. She placed it all into this forceful kiss, and when his lips parted slightly to invite her in, she knew he understood. Her hands running through his golden curls, his strong hands securing her to him as her legs wrapped around his waist. He turned his head to grant him more access, and she found herself sighing into him as their tongues danced together. He left her flaming lips to kiss her cheeks, then her neck, sucking and biting every ounce of bare flesh his lips could find. She giggled to herself as the pleasure devoured her. How he could say he was no good at this when she was so overwhelmed just by the feeling of his breath on her chest? His hands refused to be tamed, somehow managing to untangle her braid and forcing the straps of her tank top off her shoulders in one quick motion. She grabbed the hair at the nape of his neck and pulled him back to her lips. If he went any lower she would lose her mind and lose the ability to turn back. They remained like this for what felt like a blissful eternity. Their hungry lips were sore and swollen, but they had no desire to slow down.

Eventually their quick fervent kisses slowed to long and sweet ones. She savored to feel of his soft lips on hers and melted into the smell of him: cinnamon, musk and sweat. When their lips finally slipped apart, she rested her forehead on his and smiled. Her head fell to his chest as he laid them down and pulled her closer. His hands combed through her long messy mane as they began to drift to sleep. A feeling of ecstasy was resting on her like a warm blanket. She wondered if this was what happiness felt like, just as she did her first day back in the woods, and once again brushed it aside. She didn't want to overthink this moment, but instead wanted to live in it.

As her eyes fluttered closed, no fears of nightmares on her mind, she heard his voice.

"You love me? Real or not real?" His voice was soft and even, so much so that she imagined his expression was far from his usual one of furrowed eyebrows and confusion. Maybe it was the closeness of sleep or ignorance of happiness that made her feel so safe in her response. Whatever was behind it, she could care less. He was hers and she was his. Like the constant promise of spring and fresh rain and rebirth, there was never any other option but this.

"Real."

* * *

_A/N: I hope you all enjoyed the story. (: Also, the song lyrics I used were ones I found on the Hunger Games Wiki page for the Valley Song :p_


	2. Brighter Future

**A/N: (: Shocked by the views of the first chapter! Hope you guys enjoy reading. This one is a little long, but I couldn't bring myself to stop writing and I couldn't fathom splitting this up. And there's still so much I wanted to put in! Ugh! But, as always, read, comment etc etc. Love hearing from you! **

* * *

A deep yawn raged through his entire body as the last effects of sleepiness escaped him. The sun was high in the sky, the bright light seemingly brighter thanks to the reflection off the heavy blanket of snow. Peeta rolled onto his side and frowned at the abandoned mass of sheets beside him. He had overslept, again, and missed Katniss before she left for the woods. There was a time when he would rise before her to start on fresh bread and breakfast. The lower amount of sleep was always worth the surprise that would take over her face like clockwork each morning and the sweet kisses that always followed it. But lately he has become overcome with laziness. With the onslaught of winter came the earlier blanket of night and the lack of desire to do anything. Katniss still managed to venture into the woods to hunt while he stayed in bed most of the day. He was lucky if he could beat the sun to the edge of the sky when getting out of bed as of late. He hated himself for it, knowing that the winter was even worse for her. The chill always took more out of her, brought her nightmares back more frequently and her frown seemed to be more permanent. But, she had her woods, and that always brought her some form of peace. Peeta had nothing.

When he _did_ get out of bed, he would slip into the routine he had developed ever since returning to twelve almost two years ago. Start the dough on whatever bread Katniss suggested the night before; maybe even make something sweet like cookies or cupcakes to go with dinner. Then he would sit by his easel in the living room placed right in the corner by the sliding glass door to the patio so he could look out for inspiration. He found himself painting the same things: The sunset and the way the bright pinks and oranges illuminated off the trees, whatever ghost was haunting him that day (the memories sometimes so horrifying he would almost send himself into an episode) or Katniss. Most of his work was of her; the way the forest sun accentuated the leaves in her braid or the tiny sparkles that rest inside her grey eyes when she smiled that beautiful genuine smile. He missed her desperately whenever she was out the house so it was no surprise that she was the center of his musings.

The monotony of his days was excruciating for him and he felt himself going slightly stir crazy. He would escape some days and go into town to buy produce or visit Delly and her boyfriend Tucker whom she brought back from District 13. Greasy Sae would always offer him a bowl of whatever concoction she had cooked up that day. His favorite visits were with Haymitch in his stale house that was only livable thanks to Hazelle stopping in each day to clean up his drunken mess and cook him real meals. Once you got accustomed to the smell and his usual rude, drunk and unbecoming behavior, he was a great companion. They would play chess and talk about nothing. Peeta always felt better himself when he could make him laugh. Even with the company of his friends he felt so restless. Katniss had her calling in the woods, but what did he have? He stayed at home all day to cook and clean. There are only so many times one person can scrub and polish the entire collection of silverware before they want to shove the freshly polished fork into their eye socket.

One evening as he sat cleaning his paintbrushes and anticipating Katniss's arrival, there was a surprise. When Katniss walked through the door Delly was right on her heels. By the annoyed expression her face Peeta could assume Delly had invited herself.

"Delly! What a nice surprise."

"Isn't it?" Katniss said through gritted teeth. She threw her game bag on the kitchen table, the sound of the heavy game meeting his freshly polished wooden table making him cringe. Katniss was not necessarily a fan of Delly but she far from disliked her. She enjoyed her company for the most part but only when she was in a social mood. It seemed she was far from that today, the bitter cold nipping at her resolve.

"Gosh, I'm so sorry! I was headed on my way out and saw Katniss coming back from the woods! It just seemed economical to walk with her so I knew you were both around!" Delly giggled. She seemed more chipper than usual, which was saying something. The girl didn't know how to _not_ be in a good mood.

"She says she has something so _very_ important to tell us. But it has to be both of us. She literally could not contain herself the entire walk." Katniss was seated at the table with her skinning knife. Her irritation needed to be averted as to not hurt Delly's feelings. Peeta walked over and wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed her head. She sighed and relaxed beneath him.

"God, you two are just so _wonderful_ together." Delly sighed. Katniss chuckled quietly. "Anyway! I have something so very exciting to tell you!"

"Out with it already!" In one bouncing squealing movement, she placed her hand on the table before us. It took him a moment, but his eyes caught the modest gold ring with a beautiful diamond placed in the middle.

"Tucker asked me to marry him! And of _course_ I said yes!" She bounced in her seat uncontrollably as the couple gawked at the ring. It wasn't so much that Delly and Tucker were getting married, that was bound to happen. It was just the idea that someone they knew, someone they grew up with, was embarking down the path of marriage and, eventually, a family.

"Oh, Delly, that is just so great. Wow. Congratulations." Katniss said sincerely. Peeta thought he saw desire in her eyes as she inspected the ring, but it was gone before he could deem it as reality.

"Thank you, Katniss! We are just so excited! We want to do our toasting really soon. Like, _soon_. But besides telling my two very best friends to invite you to the gathering, I wanted to ask a favor."

"Anything." She turned her head to look at Peeta specifically.

"Peeta, I know you haven't done anything like it in a long time, but Tucker and I were wondering if you would make our wedding cake?" He was taken aback slightly at her request, but was quickly flattered by it.

"Y-Y-You want m-m-me to make your wedding cake?" She nodded furiously.

"Absolutely! You always did make the _best_ cakes, Peeta. And when we were kids and the cakes you would decorate would sit in the bakery window? They were always so _beautiful_. Oh, and remember the cake you made for Annie and Finnick's wedding back in thirteen? Oh, Peeta, you just _have_ too! I won't take no for answer!" "Of course, Delly. I would be honored." She squealed and ran over to hug the both of them. After a few more minutes of chattering about the toasting and gathering and ideas of what she wanted for the cake, Delly was out the door, bouncing like a young schoolgirl. When she was gone, Katniss sighed loudly.

"I cannot believe Delly Cartwright is getting married."

"Me either." They sat on the couch and Peeta wrapped his arm around her shoulders pulling her closer.

"It's just so…weird." He simply nodded, understanding what she was thinking. It didn't feel so long ago that they were "engaged" in the Capitol and preparing for a star-studded staged wedding. Back when their love was just a play in an almost never-ending game to keep them alive. During the days the star-crossed lovers were only half in love. But life has moved on and with the years they have grown together, their love becoming real on both sides. They were adults now and it felt…weird. They were just kids when more than adult responsibilities were thrust upon them. It was strange to actually be living to an age you never expected to see.

"I'm happy for her, though; for both of them. She looks so happy. And I'm excited to finally have a taste of one of your cakes again!"

"I bake cupcakes all the time!"  
"Yeah, but cakes are different. You loved baking them. They were always your favorite; especially the decorating." Peeta could never bring himself to make a full cake since coming back from the war. They reminded him too much of his father and his steady hands frosting the cakes to precision. The sound of his brothers giggles as they stole handfuls of cake patter to lick from their fingers. Even the stern look his mother would give him before deciding if the cakes he designed were "decent enough" to make it into the display case. Cakes were his past and his home: his family. He shook off the chill running down his spine and nestled into Katniss's warm neck.

"I missed you today." He whispered to her, his voice shaking like his cold bones. He knew this feeling all too well; the rigidity in his muscles and chill in his veins; the weakness in his mind. An episode was fighting to the surface.

"I missed you, too. More than usual." The small edition was all he needed to relax. The warmth of his blood seemed to flow easier and his muscles deflated.

"It was obnoxiously cold out today and I missed your warm arms. That's why I looked so annoyed when Delly followed me home. I just wanted to be here by the fire. With you." In one swift motion she was in his lap, hands rummaging through his curls, her grey iris's blending into his stark blue.

"I'm nervous, Katniss. What if I can't do it?" She rested her forehead on his and pressed her lips to his nose gently.

"You can do it, Peeta. You're the one who pushed me back into the woods when I thought I wasn't ready. A lot of time has gone by since the war stole everyone from us. We're stronger now. _You're_ stronger now. And I know how hard it is for you, being trapped in the house all damn day. This could be good for you." Satisfied by her reassurance, he pressed his lips to hers. Katniss was convinced she was no good with words, but it seemed that she always had the right thing to say.

* * *

Katniss watched him quietly as he took in his ingredients. Everything was set up and measured perfectly on the counter before him; he just couldn't seem to…_move_. The familiarity of the measuring process would have been calming if not for the constant sounds of his dead family whispering in his ears. He refused to showcase his weakness with Katniss watching, so he hummed softly in an attempt to drown out the cries for help. It wasn't really working out for him.

"Are you gonna bake or just stare at the flour all day?" Katniss teased from behind him.

"I don't want to rush this." He whispered.

"Peeta, I know you think you won't do it right, but you won't know until you try. I could help you if you want?" A sincere and intense laugh ravaged him and he could feel her frown through his spine.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I'm sorry, just the thought of you baking a cake…do you remember the time I tried to teach you to make chees buns?" He turned to face her just as the amused smile reached her lips. Soon they were both cracking up.

"Excuse me for wanting to be helpful! Seriously, Peeta, what can I do to help?" He closed the space between them and captured her lips.

"You're already doing it." He panted against her hot mouth. The kiss was more intense than he intended, her back against the wall and legs wrapped around his waist. "Just being here is enough." He took her lower lip with his teeth and a satisfied moan escaped her throat.

"Hurry up and make that damn cake!" She told him with flushed cheeks and swollen lips.

With newfound ambition in his soul, he once again approached his ingredients. With a deep breath and the faint tingle Katniss left on his lips, he picked up his flour and emptied it into the large mixing bowl. He waited a moment for a feeling of anxiety or unwelcomed whispers and was greeted with neither. Soon, all the ingredients were in the bowl and melding together under his mixer. The bright pink batter seemed to smile at him like the afternoon sun. Katniss snuck around him to taste the batter, and the joyous look on her face hinted that it tasted like childhood and happy memories.

When the cake made it into the oven and the dishes were all washed he felt lightness on his heart. He remembered the night Katniss came home from her first day back in the woods and the peace she felt from being there. The idea that happiness could still be gained from past times that were so engrained in their past. He thought he understood, but now, in this moment, he truly did.

"Have I ever told you how handsome you are when you bake?" Her voice was low and filled with seduction in his ear. He didn't hear her creep up behind him, so he jumped slightly. He shook his head in response.

"No, you have not." He felt his cheeks burning with blush. Even after all this time together, this girl could still intimidate him. He knew it was a good thing, and hoped the random nerves around her never went away. Not one for wasting time on words, she pulled him down to her lips. The heat from earlier instantly reentered the kitchen, their fervent kisses picking up right where they left off. His hands slipped under the old t-shirt she was wearing, her hot desire filled skin arousing him further. In one swift motion, his hands were around her waist and lifting her onto the counter. As she lifted her shirt over her head and to the floor, he stepped back for a moment to take her in: the chill in the air was evident on her goosebump-laced skin, the slight curves at her waist granted to her with time and good eating were screaming for his hands and her flushed face and dark lustful eyes were calling his name. She was everything he ever dreamed of and all he could ever need in this life. The thoughts began to swirl around in his mind, as they often did when he pondered about the things he didn't quite understand with too much detail. How was she here? How could he ever let the Capitol make him think she was some mutt out to kill him? How could she let him back into her life after everything he had done to her? After how deeply he had hurt her? She seemed to notice the distance in his eyes, because she pulled him back and pressed a soft kiss to his temple.

"Hey, come back. Don't go away. Stay here with me. Stay in this moment with me, Peeta." How could he not when she was this close? When her embrace was so warm and loving and _real_?

"You are the single greatest thing to ever happen to me, Katniss."

"I can say the same for you." She was never one for spoken expressions of love, but on days like today when she knew he just needed to hear the words to make the emotions real, she obliged. He captured her lips again, the heat of the kiss restarting the electricity that had briefly left them. His hands drifted down her body slowly, a trail of bumps following closely after each touch. He cupped one of her firm breast in his hand and was welcomed with a soft whimper. He loved the sounds she made when he touched her, the one time she could give him complete control. The knowledge that just the feel of his hands could make her weak lit a fire within him. His other hand slipped past the waistband of her shorts, the substance of her arousal already evident as he began to palm her over the fabric of her underwear. He was kissing her everywhere: the tip of her chin, the crest of chin, the fine ridges of her breast.

"Peeta…" The way his name left her lips in a moan of pleasure drove him further, one his fingers slipping past the fabric and into the slippery gates of her folds.

"Peeta."

"Say my name, baby. Say it again."

"Peeta!" The fear in her voice made him jump, his hands flying to his sides. "The cake!" Instantly his other senses kicked in and he could smell and see the smoke in the air.

"Fuck! The cake!" He grabbed his oven mitts and flung the oven open, a crowd of smoke entering the air. He pulled the pan from the hot oven and placed the ruined cake on the stovetop. It was ruined, a pure charcoal black covering it from all angles. Peeta leaned against the fridge and banged his head a few times. He thought he was doing so well and ended up burning the cake. He looked to Katniss and saw her shoulders rising with laughter. Soon he was laughing too. The scene was pretty funny: two oversexed kids so distracted by their hormones that they let the cake burn. This moment was so perfectly screwed up and so perfectly them.

After cleaning up the mess Katniss, always the curious one, cut a piece of the cake. Peeta tried to warn her but she never listened to him and popped the piece into her mouth.

"Peeta, it's not half bad. A little crispy for my taste, but good." With her encouragement, he made a bowl of vanilla frosting and they sat on the floor dipping pieces of burnt strawberry cake into it. Peeta watched her and felt suddenly at peace about everything. She never bothered to put her shirt back on, her breast fighting against her bra softly whenever he made her laugh. Seeing the frown lines from her years of scowling turn into soft laugh lines made all the bad moments easier. Everything was going to be ok and the future looked bright.

* * *

It took him weeks to be happy with the result, but by the time they rolled the cake out at the toasting reception, Peeta felt he deserved to beam with pride at the three-tier masterpiece. Delly broke down into tears when she first saw it and Tucker squeezed her to him tightly. He decided on a marble flavored cake with a white chocolate mousse inside and fudge frosting. He decorated the layers in bright yellows and reds and oranges; Delly's favorite season was fall. The edible leaves and tree's that admonished the outer layers were the result of hours of dedication and frustration. He almost threw himself into a stupor when he couldn't seem to get the leaves in the perfect shape. Katniss had to nearly fight the pastry bag from his hands and rock him in her arms for over an hour to calm him down.

Delly nearly tackled him to the floor and he felt the pride in his heart swell.

"Thank you, Peeta! It is absolutely magnificent! Thank you so so so much!"

"Thank _you_, Delly." And he really meant it: If she had never asked him, who knows if he would have ever dared make a cake again. The entire night patrons from around town all came up and patted him on the back, complimenting the work of art and most importantly telling that it tasted just as amazing as it looked. With the hoards of people coming up to him, he wasn't able to realize that Katniss had left his side and he felt slightly panicked. He searched the small banquet hall that had come up with many of the new buildings in the town square and sighed in relief when he found her. She was standing off to the side, Thom talking her ear off, but she wasn't paying him much mind. Her eyes were centered right on Peeta, and the look of pride and irrefutable _joy_ that was radiating from her look was unlike anything he had ever seen directed at him in his life. He made his way to them and smiled at Thom politely.

"And so with this building and the one across the street, I hope to sell the property—oh, hi, Peeta. Amazing cake, by the way."

"Thank you, Thom. Hey, you mind if I borrow her?" He motioned to Katniss making her chuckle slightly. They never officially came out with their relationship, but everyone in town knew. It was inevitable and by the looks they were given whenever they went out in public, everyone seemed to know way before them.

"Of course. Don't want to keep you from your girl." Peeta offered Katniss his hand and she took it without hesitation. They joined the other couples circling the floor to the music, courtesy of Haymitch, Greasy Sae and Rory. It was amazing that Haymitch managed to stay reasonably sober enough to remember he could play a mean tune on the guitar, Greasy Sae only pulling out her box drum for special occasions and Rory was so painfully shy that it was a shame the world almost never knew about his brilliant harmonica and violin skills. As Peeta guided Katniss around the floor, her head resting on his shoulder comfortably, he pondered if they would ever be on the other side of this. If they would ever have a toasting of their own, friends the only family they had left surrounding them in love and congratulations. He never liked to bring things like this up to Katniss in fear of upsetting her and taking the idea off the table completely. They had a decent thing going on right now and he feared asking her to take it farther would push her away.

The next morning at breakfast there was a nervous knock at the door. Gary, an older man who sold fresh berries and produce at the market was at the door, a surprise to Peeta.

"Hey there, Mr. Mellark. Hate to bother you this early, but I kinda had a favor to ask."

"Anything, Gary."

"Well, my wife sure did love that cake you made for Delly's weddin' last night and couldn't stop ravin' bout it. Well, our anniversary is soon. Fourty-five years. Who woulda' though we'd make it through a war an' all. Love her more than the day I first saw her at my first reapin'. Anyway, I was wonderin' if you wouldn't mind makin' a cake for our anniversary? I'll pay you 'course. But she would love it." Peeta agreed instantly and told the man payment was far from necessary. When he delivered the cake later in the week, the man wouldn't take it without slipping a few bills into his hand. It wasn't long until word made it around town that he had made the cake and people were in and out of the house each day requesting different types of sweets. He was overwhelmed but it was such a wonderful feeling of purpose that he welcomed it. The idea came to him late in bed one night. Katniss was snuggled in front of him, her fingers intertwined with his around her middle.

"What do you think of me opening a bakery? In the town square." She turned to look at him.

"A bakery? Like the one your parents used to have?" He nodded.

"With all the people coming in and out of the house it's like I'm running one anyway. And that way it could be a real thing. And people could have fresh bread, too! And I could even get Haymitch out that damn house and doing something productive. Get some of the younger kids in the district to work part time. I don't know, I think it could be great." She was smiled at him and brought a hand to his face.

"I can't believe it took you this long to think of it." Approval in the only way Katniss Everdeen could give it.

The following morning he went straight into town after breakfast, Katniss walking with him on her way to the woods.

"Good luck." She whispered to him before planting a long kiss on his lips and heading for the gate. The public display shocked him but was just the support he needed to keep the pride in his chest to go into Thom's office at the head of town. There was never an official election, but he was basically the mayor of twelve. He spearheaded the restoration of the town and he had the connections to the Capitol for supplies and feedback on how people were handling the new ways of living. He took pride in seeing the district rise back from the ashes. The vocal approval from the Mockinjay and her "husband" was enough to grant him official standing in the Capitol's eyes.

"Peeta! What can I do for you?"

"Hey, Thom. I uh…I have a proposition for you."

"Oh? Does it include some of those famous Mellark lemon cookies? If so, I'm on board. No pitch necessary!" Peeta chuckled the rest of his nerves away; Thom's light nature reminding him there was nothing to be worried about.

"Actually, there could be. I was thinking of starting up a bakery in town. A place completely my own but still using all the recipes I grew up with. I think it would be great for the town to have a reliable source of fresh bread seeing as the stuff being sent from the Capitol is less than delicious. I have people in and out of the house everyday putting in orders for things. I think the town could use it." The knowing smile on Thom's face perplexed Peeta slightly, but comforted him at the same time.

"You have no idea how long I have been waiting for you to come down into this office and ask me this. Follow me." They left the office and went deeper into the square to the site of where his childhood home once stood. The old building had been completely destroyed in the bombing minus the sturdy clay oven Peeta had more than enough memories working with. It was all gone now, a group of young workers putting up the infrastructure for a new building.

"What are you planning to put in here?" Thom patted him on the back and his smile broadened.

"This is yours, Peeta." He turned to him in shock, the snapping of his neck sending a shock of pain through his body.

"_What_?"

"Well, your parents owned this property and since you're the last remaining Mellark, this is your land. But beyond the technicalities of this, well, I always knew that you'd reopen the bakery. I told the guys to start rebuilding it, just the infrastructure and then whenever you came to me we could get into the finer details of how you wanted it to look. The entire town loves your goods, Peeta, but they love you even more. When they first started rebuilding this so many people came to me asking if the bakery was going back into business. I know you want this to be all yours and it will be. I have the Capitol on standby with the newest state of the art ovens and utensils. All you have to do is say yes." Peeta didn't realize he had tears rolling down his face until he brought his hand to his eyes.

"Thom…it's absolutely perfect. Thank you. Seriously. This is…this is beyond anything I could have ever asked for."

"I hoped you would say that. Now lets go back to my office and work on some designs."

* * *

_He was walking down a never-ending maze, the tunnels seeming to get smaller and smaller the farther he walked. He knew she was here somewhere, he had heard her screams just moments ago. He could hear all of them, screams of intense pain surrounding him. He had to get them. Had to save them. Had to save them from that mutt. He turned another corner and found an entrance to a cave, a myriad of screams he knew all too well hitting him from the entrance. He ran inside and found them all. His mother, father and brothers all tied up together. There was one scream missing but he had his family in front of him. He ran to them and instantly the wind was knocked from him and he flew into the air by his prosthetic. He screamed in pain, but his scream turned to fear when the mutt walked from the shadows of the cave. Her sharp fangs were at attention, the light grey of her eyes tined red and menacing as she circled the only people he ever loved. _

"_Don't hurt them! Leave them be! Stop!" He screamed. She paid him no mind as one by one she ripped the hearts of his family out, swallowing them in one gulp. He was screaming, screaming so loud and thrashing trying to get to them before it was too late. As his family lay there, heartless and dead, she met his eyes and licked her elongated snout-like lips. _

"_You filthy mutt! I'll kill you! You mutt!" Her devilish laugh filled the air as she crept back into the shadows. He kept thrashing trying to get his leg free. There was still one more soul to save. One more person he loved still living, screaming for him to save her. He hurled his body upward and grabbed onto the latch where the metal and his flesh met and the moment he unhooked it, he fell to the hard ground, his entire body screaming. He crawled past the hanging bodies of what was once his family and into the tunnel where he could hear her youthful cries. He was so close, his strong arms pulling him far. It wasn't long before the toddler with the blonde curly hair and cloudy eyes was in his site, sitting on the ground screaming for him. His precious girl, the only person left he could protect from that filthy mutt. He screamed in agony when he felt sharp pain race up his good leg. Her sharp fangs had met the flesh of his calf, and he could almost make out a smile on her lips. He couldn't let her get to his precious little girl, his future, his hope. He would die for her. He would kill that filthy mutt and die in the process if it meant keeping his daughter safe. With the little strength he still had, he reached down and wrapped his hands around her throat and squeezed, her fangs grip releasing his flesh. He was above her now and looking right into her devilish eyes. The screams of his daughter kept him going. It was all going to be over. He was going to kill her. End the torture. Complete the mission. Kill Katniss. Kill the mutt. His grip tightened and soon the almost red glint of her eyes turned a soft grey and the fangs lost their sharp shiny luster. Her face went from evil and dangerous and shimmering to tortured and afraid and human. Her mouth parted, choking out inaudible sounds._

"_Peeta! Peeta! It's not real!"_

She was beneath him, his hands wrapped around her throat tightly, her body thrashing in an attempt to get free. Her hands were on his wrist in an attempt to bring him back.

"Peeta! It is not real!" Her voice was weak since he was crushing her windpipe. His breathing was shallow and his eyes were wide as he took in his surroundings, no shine or glimmering effect on anything. He jumped back and the moment he released his grip on her throat she rolled out of the bed and onto the floor, holding herself up by one arm. She was gasping wildly and coughing. Peeta sat against the headboard and stared at his hands; they were almost white from how hard he was squeezing. His mind was slowly coming down from the cloudy nightmare state. The night terror was worse than usual, the shiny and so real effect of his episodes blending in with the terrible dream. His girl was there and his family was dead. His past gone and his future depending on him. It was so _real_.

"Katniss?" Her name flew from his lips light as air. He couldn't have…He didn't…

But he did.

When he craned his head over the edge of the bed to see her still on the floor now rocking slightly with her legs pulled to her chest, breathing slightly regulated, the glaring red marks of his hands splayed across her neck like a tattoo. He could make out the exact place where his fingers locked, the ridges of them so perfectly ingrained on her skin…

He hurt Katniss. After all these years of trying to get better and working back together through their damage together, never once did he hurt her like this. There were a few bruised wrists from squeezing too hard when an episode got bad and some harsh words thrown this way and that, but that was all superficial. At least, that was what she had told him. But this? There were no words in the world to make this okay. He was a _monster_. Nothing could change that.

"Peeta, it's…it's alright. I'm fine." Her choking cough and scratchy tone in her words told the true story. Nothing was all right. They had been fooling themselves thinking they could be happy together. That he could be ok after everything the Capitol had done to him. He was ruined, everything decent about him stripped away and replaced with destruction.

He attached his leg with a quickness that only years of adjusting could garner and sprinted out the room. He could hear her strangled voice calling him, but he simply shook his head as if it is some terrible after effect of his nightmare. He searched the drawers in the kitchen for the dusty key to the house Katniss once called hers and left quickly when he found it. The air in the house was stale and musty from years of abandonment. It was lonely and unloved, exactly how he felt in this moment. After locking the door, he went up the steps two at a time. There was a period where they would transition between both houses until ultimately Katniss decided his felt more alive and moved in permanently. He knew it was because she wasn't nearly as haunted by the memories of her sister there, her scent not radiating from any of the rooms. He found a few pairs of pants and sweaters hanging in the bedroom closet and dressed quietly. He sat on the bed and looked at his hands. He wanted to be rid of them, to dislodge them from his body. To make them some foreign object that had a mind of it's own. Peeta's hands made delicious treats that brought smiles to all the faces that tasted them. Peeta's hands could create portraits of those they had lost, so detailed and filled with life that it was almost like they were staring back at you. Nothing that truly belonged to him could ever hurt Katniss the way he had tonight.

Katniss.

From the way she was gasping for air she wouldn't have lasted much longer under his grasp. He could have _killed_ her tonight. With his own hands. Finishing the job Snow had always planned for him. The job he had wanted from Peeta ever since that first Hunger Games and the rules had shifted, again, to only one victor. Kill Katnss Everdeen. Douse her fire. End her existence. What would he have done if he came out of the terror to find the air no longer entering her lungs, her body limp beneath him? Just the thought forces him to run to the adjacent bathroom and vomit into the sink. She was the source of his existence yet the only thing that could so completely unhinge him. There was only one thing for him to do and that was to disappear. He promised he would never hurt her and he broke that promise. If there was one thing Katniss could never accept, it was a broken promise. And she deserved better than some washed up, hijacked loser who couldn't decipher real from manufactured.

With the pink tint of daylight on the horizon, he dressed in a coat and hiking boots from the closet. He wouldn't need all these layers soon. The frigid chill of the winter air would hopefully accelerate the process. He grabbed a few bottles of random pills he found in the medicine cabinet and headed out the house. He didn't bother locking the door. Maybe it would distract Katniss from trying to find him. He walked through the always-unlocked door of Haymitch's, a part of him silently hoping the old drunk would be awake to talk him out of his plan. Sadly, he was passed out on the floor in front of the couch, knife in hand as always and puddle of wasted liquor around him. He wondered if his leaving would drive him to the brink or if he would go on, business as usual. He imagined the latter.

As he walked through the deserted town, he stopped momentarily in front of the fresh brick building that would become his bakery. It was nearly finished, the grand opening set for two weeks from today. The brand new boxes stamped with his family name simply across the front, a gift from Effie, could be seen from the front window resting on the counter. He could almost feel the heat from the brand new convection ovens behind the brick, the homely warmth of the freshly painted sunset orange walls. Katniss picked the color and he knew she chose it because it was his favorite. It was the same color that adorned their bedroom in his house. Everything he loved managed to involve her in some way these days. A relapse was inevitable.

As he walked on past the square he so loved and to the gate of the woods he had always feared, he said a silent goodbye. This was the only place he had ever known and loved and he felt honored to have seen it grow into a place greater than it ever imagined it could become. He knew it would continue on without him and prayed that maybe it would even flourish beyond his wildest imagination. The woods were quiet with the dawn, the soft frost covering the ground entirely. The mockingjay's were still sleeping in the trees, some slowly awakening with a soft song. Peeta knew where he was going, a specific bush of berries not far off from where he first found the primrose the day he returned to twelve. He made sure to remember the location for an event such as this. Desperate times would call for desperate measures. He found the bush quickly and wiped off the frost before plucking a bunch of the dark nightlock and tucking it into his jacket pocket. He was thankful that the deadly fruit never seemed to have a season. The sun was rising fast and he was still too close for comfort. He walked and walked until the mixture of his long journey and the cold took the air from his lungs in strong gulps.

"_I wonder if this is how Katniss felt when I tried to kill her."_ He thought. That was all the motivation he needed to trek a little farther to a soft clearing surrounded by tall trees that never seemed to stop reaching for the sky. The mockingjay's were wide-awake with the sun, their tunes surrounding him. He sat in the middle of the clearing and took the berries from his pocket, pushing them around in his palm. He took the moment of solitude to whistle his favorite tune to the birds above. He wondered if these were the same birds She would sing to when out on her hunts. If these would be the same allies that would lead her to his cold still body. He thought of all the moments in the past few years that drove him to imagine that happiness could be tangible for someone like him. Katniss had such a powerful effect on people: the softness of her rare smile, the glare of her silver orbs when she was annoyed, the gentleness of her touch when she tried to comfort you…His girl on fire had evolved into a woman full of radiance and hope and she foolishly tried to save him. He felt honored that she chose him, but he betrayed her by hurting her. The tears trailing down his face seemed to freeze the moment they left his eyes. His hands were shivering as he situated the six berries in his hands along with the cocktail of pills he grabbed from the house. He imagined his death to be painless and quick, a luxury he was never offered when death was constantly on the horizon. He closed his eyes and found her face; even though he didn't deserve it, he wanted the last thing he thought of on this earth to be of her. If he could just hear her sweet voice one last time…

"Peeta! What the hell are you doing?" His eyes shot open to find Katniss standing before him, skin flushed and white from the cold. His gaze went straight to her neck to remind him why he was here, but a scarf was covering it.

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?"

"You have the loudest feet in the entire world and left a trail large enough for a group of people! And I heard the birds." His song—well, technically her song—was swinging from the trees above them and he realized how foolish he was. The girl he loved was the smartest hunter in the world, and all his moves to fight her off instead led her right to him.

"Go away."

"You must be out of your mind if you think I'm going anywhere."

"I _hurt_ you, Katniss."

"You didn't do anything. It wasn't you. It was a nightmare. It wasn't real. You didn't know, Peeta."

"And that is supposed to make it ok? I could have _killed_ you! And then what? What would happen if I killed you with my own hands? I'd be right back here."

"What if's don't matter. What if's are not real."

"I almost killed you and that is real." She took a step towards him and he raised his hand to his mouth defensively, ready to empty the concoction into his bloodstream.

"Peeta, listen to me. I don't blame you. I'm not afraid of you, but I'm afraid of what would happen if I lost you. Don't do this. I…I need you."

"You would get on just fine without me. Everyone would."

"Are you fucking joking? Peeta, this entire town needs you! There isn't a soul in twelve who isn't excited for the bakery to open! And everyone is so proud of you for what you are doing. Even Haymitch."

"Anyone can run a bakery."

"Peeta—"

"No one needs me! I can't save them! I can't save anyone!" She was in front of him, on her knees and trying to unclasp his grip around his death concoction.

"Tell me about the nightmare." Her voice was soft and steady, a voice created over years of practice. Routine.

"You were a mutt. And you killed them."

"Your family?" He nodded. This was a familiar theme but also a rare one. It only came when he was extremely stressed and when it did come, it would took days for him to feel safe around her again.

"But there was someone else. A…A little girl." He felt her grip grow tighter at the prospect of an offspring: _their_ offspring.

"A girl?"

"My—our daughter. She had my hair and your eyes. She was so beautiful and small and helpless and I had to save her. I was crawling and I was so close to her and then you were back and you were trying to _kill_ me for trying to save her. I had no choice! You were a mutt! I had to kill you and I was so close but then I woke up and you weren't a mutt! You were my Katniss and you were so scared. I can't stay here anymore. This can't happen again."

"You were just stressed about the bakery and all the orders you're getting. It won't happen again. We'll get through this we always do."

"Says who? I'm supposed to be better now! Years after the war and this is the first time I have done this to you. How is that better? Don't tell me everything will be ok!"

"You're right." He looked at her for the first time since she came and watched the calmness of her cloudy gaze. "Everything won't be ok, it never will be. What we have lived through…Peeta, there are no words to define it. We are permanently damaged and we cannot fix that. Time won't heal these wounds; only mask them enough so that we can live. But we have life and we get to make new memories, memories that can be happy. Memories that can make the wounds hurt a little less than usual. It is wrong of me to promise that you won't ever hurt me again cause it very well could happen again. But that doesn't mean you get to just leave because it could happen. I live in constant fear that war will come again and the comfort I have tried to build will be snatched from me again, but _you_ taught me to keep living. I need you Peeta because there is no hope without you. You could have killed me last night, hell, you could have killed me in that arena all those years ago but you _didn't_. You didn't kill me when they still controlled you, either. Something always stops you because you know deep down."

"You aren't safe with me, Katniss. They still own me!"

"There is no where else in this world I could ever feel more safe than with you. Peeta, I love you. Don't you see? I want to risk my life to be with you because there is no life without you." He knew, he always knew. She had told him in more ways than one: the simple "real" when he first asked her in a sleepy haze, in the way she had given him her body so completely, a physical assurance that could only mean complete and all consuming love. But the three words never slipped from her lips in this way, and hearing it now seemed to clear up everything. Why hadn't he seen before this moment?

His palm unclenched and the berries and pills landed on the ground softly. He crushed them with his foot for good measure and smiled at her weepily.

"I'm so sorry, Katniss." She took him in her arms and rocked him gently.

"Don't you ever fucking do that to me again or I'll shoot you through the eye." He could hear the tears at the end of her words and held her tighter. Her strength was spent and now she was slowly falling apart. They worked together, when one was weak the other would give their all to put the pieces back together until they had noting left. It was his turn now.

"I love you so much, Katniss."

"Don't you _ever_ leave me, Peeta Mellark. _Ever_." The idea of leaving the safety of this woman's arms seemed foolish now. He couldn't figure out how he ever let the idea enter his mind.

* * *

The sky was barely lit with the impending sun but Peeta already had the ovens burning and was kneading dough on the countertop. Katniss barely stirred when he slipped from the sheets they shared, his eyes burning from staring at the black ceiling all night. He didn't bother leaving her breakfast since it would be long before she arose. Haymitch and Rory wouldn't be here for another few hours. Today was the grand opening of the bakery and his mind was running laps and the only thing that could calm him when he got this way was to bake. He had an overabundance of dough to use, so many varieties of breads to place on the counter for customers to sample. He had a few finishing touches on some cupcakes he wanted to place in the display inside the window.

Katniss was working with him over the last couple weeks before the opening to figure out a way to control his stress levels and the only solution seemed to be the catalyst. The more he baked the more relaxed he felt, yet the more orders he received, the harder the pounding in his head hit. He could clearly see the toll it was taking on her, the bags under her eyes darkening with the lack of sleep. She would hold him in her arms tightly with her eyes shut, but they both knew she was wide awake, ready to spring away if he were brought into another episode tinted nightmare. They were tiptoeing around each other and he hated it. If anything, the awkward energy was making everything worse. They hadn't made love in almost a week and they were both on edge. It was evident in the way that he pressed harder into the dough or how her knife would scrape against her game so hard that chunks of flesh would come with fur as she skinned them.

Regardless of the tension, he was excited and nervous and so ready for sun to hit the sky. The final days of winter were expiring and the promise of spring was near. The frost was slowly lessening in the mornings, light dew replacing the frozen residue. The birds seemed to be coming back for longer stays and the bees were beginning to buzz brightly. Winter was never an ideal time for either of them, so the promise of the rebirth of flowers and warmth placed a slight pep in his step. Maybe there was a chance that things could go back to the old calm of before. Then again, you can never really regain the past. It was simply that; past; faded; over. There was a soft knock on the back door that led directly into the kitchen and when he opened the door he was surprised to see Katniss completely dressed, hair still flowing freely around her shoulders.

"Katniss, what are you doing here?"

"What do you mean?" She slipped past him and breathed a contented sigh at the warmth inside the kitchen. "It's so warm in here!"

"You know what I mean. The sun has barely risen!"

"And? What, did you think I wouldn't notice that you left?" He blushed with embarrassment.

"I didn't want to wake you."

"Not like I sleep that deeply these days anyway. I was wide awake when you left."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't…I didn't mean—"

"Peeta." Her eyes were remorseful and filled with worry. "I don't like this."

"What? D-Don't like w-what?"

"This! _Us_. What we've allowed ourselves to become." Oh god. It was happening. His biggest fear of her finally realizing how much he did not deserve her was unfolding before him. He often wondered why she never wised up, but now that it was happening, he felt sick.

"And what have we become?" He leaned on the counter slightly for balance. He felt his mind begin to spin, his hold on reality starting to unfold.

"Everything we promised we never would. We tiptoe around each other like strangers. Neither of us sleeps anymore because we're both afraid of what the nightmares will bring. It's as if we stepped into a time portal and we're back into those early days when we first returned to twelve. I hate this." She closed the space between them and took his face between her calloused hands.

"I miss _you_, Peeta." His hands met her hips and steadied her. The shock of electricity that surged through his body felt so brand new that his knees began to buckle. It felt like years since he had touched her.

"I miss you too, Katniss. It's just—"

"Stop. Stop making excuses. I can take care of myself."

"I know you can. But—" He stopped himself when she gave him the _look_. The stare of stern disapproval where her lips would find themselves in a fine line and her eyes slanted. He knew better. He sighed deeply then pressed his forehead to hers.

"I'm sorry. Just promise me something."

"What?"

"If it…if it ever gets that out of hand again, promise me that you'll kill me." She opened her mouth to object but he pressed his lips to hers softly. "Katniss If it _ever_ happens again…if I ever hurt you like that again, you have to do it. I won't…I won't be able to live with myself. Promise me." Her eyes watered with uncertainty but she nodded.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I promise." She left the kitchen taking her coat off and walking into the backroom by the door. He couldn't bear to have her so far from him and he quickly followed. As if she knew he would be right behind her, she was all over him, their lips colliding hungrily instantly. She felt so safe, so warm, so familiar. Their desire for each other was evident, the fast pacing of their tongues against each other so wild and fervent. She was against the wall, her legs wrapped around his tightly as her excited hands found the buckle of his belt. With both their trousers resting around their ankles, he thrust into her, a satisfied moan escaping both their mouths. It felt like the first time, just the feel of her slick velvety walls encasing him, _only_ him almost enough to send him over instantly. She steadied him, rocking against him slowly, meeting each thrust with anticipated precision. He was lost in her, his lips sucking on her neck, the sensitive spot just above her earlobe, the apex of her chest. One of her hands gripped his ass tightly, wanting him deeper, closer. The room was quiet beside the music of their satisfaction, of their love and need for one another. He had missed this.

"Don't you ever leave me." She gasped as he twisted his hips, finding her spot and forcing her to sink her teeth into his shoulder.

"I promise."

"Don't you ever make me…don't ever stop. Peeta!" He raised his head from her shoulder to meet her gaze and beyond the deep black hues of desire, he could see her fear. The fear of never having a moment like this again. The fear of everything they had built over the years vanishing into one of the countless nightmares.

"I won't." In those two words he promised them that it wouldn't never get that far again. He would work harder to make sure moments like this could remain for the rest of their lives. As they drew closer and closer to the precipice, their names echoing in the air and on their parched lips, they rocketed to the apex together, their moans of euphoria mixing together into one. They slipped to the floor, still conjoined as one being, wrapped together. She kissed the tip of his nose. He told her he loved over and over until their breathing came to a normal rate and the sweat no longer glistened on their bodies. The air was thick and hot with their love.

"Well, I guess the bakery has officially been christened." He joked. She giggled and broke their connection, grabbing a stray towel resting on the table next to them and cleaning herself up before pulling up her pants. He followed suit.

"We better get this place ready to open. The sun is nearly up." They washed their hands and reentered the kitchen, the dough sitting and ready to enter the ovens. They worked around each other seamlessly as if they had been together their entire lives. Every chance he got, Peeta stole a kiss from her lips.

As the sun made its appearance, the back door opened and Rory and Haymitch made their presence known.

"We're here, Peeta!" Rory yelled as loud as his soft shy voice would allow.

"Why does it smell like sex back here?" Katniss gave him a look and they fell to the floor in laughter.

* * *

There was a line outside the bakery long before Peeta turned the sign from closed to open. The bakery was filled the entire day, the sounds of people, laughter and good conversation always plentiful. Young children gazed at the decorated bright pastel colors of the cupcakes in the display window, begging their parents to let them buy a dozen. There were some moments were Peeta felt like a young kid again, often turning around to ask his father if he needed to start another batch of cookies for the showcase. Katniss would notice instantly, the darkness in his face and the clenching of his jaw giving him away. Her arms would be around his waist in milliseconds, her soft voice cooing in his ear to stay in the moment and look at the joy he was bringing to everyone

The day was a stressful one, but he knew the extra set of hands made it manageable. Haymitch was on register, shocking everyone with how friendly he could be when he tried. Rory was working in the back with Peeta, a new batch of dough stirring or a fresh batch of sweets hot out of the oven ready to be stocked in his hands constantly. Katniss stayed in from the woods today to help out, jumping where it seemed she was needed. As useful as her ever-changing hands were, just having her presence near made all the difference. The customers seemed to smile brighter when they saw the two of them working side by side. The sun made an appearance as well, the bright light radiating warmth through the large glass window at the front of the bakery.

When Katniss turned the sign to closed, the four of them all collapsed to the ground, proud smiles on their faces.

"I gotta give it to you, boy. This place is a hit." Haymitch beamed at his former tributes openly, his pride mixing with their own.

"There isn't a pastry left!" Rory looked at the empty display in wonder. The youth in his gaze was slowly reemerging after years of struggle and torment seemed to have stolen it from him. Katniss rested her head on his shoulder and her smile seemed to broaden.

"I told you so."

* * *

The bakery was going strong after over a month, Peeta finally getting into the groove of having a purpose beyond the love of his life again. There were some days when he wouldn't see her in the light, his mornings calling him before the sun and the duties at the bakery keeping him there long after the sun had vanished again. Katniss started popping into the bakery at lunch. She always came in through the back and pulled him into her arms, holding him silently. The adjustment was much harder on them than they had imagined, Katniss especially. She was so accustomed to her days starting with his soft kisses and a warm fire and dinner waiting for her when she returned from the woods. She had pushed him towards this goal, was so happy and proud of him for achieving it, but they never realized how important the assurance of him being around anchored her. Her night terrors (which had been waning in appearance) were worsening, his arms and soft assurances no longer enough to bring her back into reality. She often refused to tell him what they were about which was an indication that they were about losing him.

He can feel her fighting in her sleep. Even though he tightens his grip around her waist she continues to punch and kick at the things tormenting her mind, her eyes shut tightly and teeth gritting.

"Katniss. Katniss, honey, wake up." He coos into ear. It's no use; she can't hear him. After awhile she shoots up and begins to scream a banshee like wail. Peeta is wrapped around her instantly.

"Peeta! Peeta! Where are you?" She screams. Her eyes are open but it is as if she cannot see where she truly is. Her dream is still surrounding her and not his arms.

"I'm right here, Katniss. I'm right here. It isn't real. I'm right here." She was searching the room for him.

"Peeta!" He shook her softly.

"Katniss!" He kisses her moist temple and brushes down the wild hairs on the top of her head. She turns into his chest and holds him tightly, the sobs radiating through his chest.

"Peeta! You're here. You're really here." His heart sinks deeper into his chest and he has to fight back tears of his own.

"I'm here, honey. I will always be here." He rocked her for a while until her breathing slowed and the sobs subsided. She was shaking still and tears were still pouring from her eyes, but she was calm enough to hear what he had been thinking all night.

"Maybe the bakery wasn't such a good idea."

"What?" She leaned away from him to look at his face, her puffy red eyes trying to get a read on him.

"It's a lot of stress on both of us and I know how much you miss having me at home. Maybe I just bit off more than I could chew with this one. You need me here."

"No. That isn't fair." She wiped her eyes dry and sat up. "You shouldn't have to sacrifice just because I'm uncomfortable." He shrugged.

"It's kinda what I do, Katniss."

"And I _hate_ that. I'll admit it, it's hard on me not having you at my beck and call anymore, but I love seeing you at the bakery. It's yours and you love it and you make so many people happy. It would be selfish of me to take that from you."

"But you feel like you're losing me. And that is far from ok because I am not going anywhere."

"I know that. It just gets to me when I wake up and I have nothing but a dent in the bed next to me, or your warm smile waiting for me when I walk in the door with a million questions about my day. It's different but I will adjust. I have no choice."

"Are you sure? I'll try to get home earlier. Start my days a little later so I can see you off."

"It's fine!"

"But…the nightmares…"

"If you think I'm going to let a few nightmares get to me, you are once again underestimating me."

"I always seem to do that, huh?"

"I think you just like to be proven wrong."

"Oh, that's what it is. You got me pegged." He pulled her back to his chest and searched his mind for something to ease her long term. He knew Katniss too well, knew something had to happen to appease her.

It hit him as he was getting ready the next morning. She was sleeping soundly and he sat in the chair near the door watching her silently. The steady rise and fall of her chest ignited a need inside him. They had been living together for almost three years now, this house becoming theirs instead of simply his. The sheets carried her smell, the hallways always lingering of the soft lavender of her soap. They were together but he could never escape that need for _more_. Something more concrete than just _being_ together. A title. An absolute. A marriage. Marriage meant an official union. A marriage was a promise for a future spent together til' death reared its ugly head and ripped you apart. A marriage could mean children, although that was something he knew better than to push. She was so sure in her not wanting them, but he kept hope alive that with the years she would change her mind. It worked for him, so he believed it could work for his new dream as well.

He went into the top drawer of the dresser and dug around until he felt the smooth cool touch of the pearl. He felt the memories of that Quarter Quell surround him, the night on the beach replaying behind his eyes. The moment he thought that things could be different for them. Where, maybe, they could live without the fear of death constantly on their heels. Where things could be real. It all rested in this smooth orb, and as he slipped it into his pocket he felt so sure in his decision. The warm spring air covered his skin as he walked to the bakery. The sun was beginning to rise a little earlier, accompanying him from a distance during his walk. Peeta started the bread with a sense of urgency that morning, the loaves already toasting in the oven by the time Rory came in a little past dawn.

"Rory! I need you to hold the fort for a little bit until Haymitch gets here. I'll be right back." He sprinted out the front door before the boy could respond. Peeta was gasping when he reached the door of the jeweler in the center of town. His sign was still swinging from being turned to open when he walked in.

"Mr. Mellark! What a surprise." The kind hearted middle-aged man smiled at him from behind the counter.

"Hiya Lionel. Sorry to bother you so early, but I have a favor."

"Anything! I still owe you for that magnificent blueberry crumble you made for my little Gracie's birthday. What do you need?" Peeta took the pearl from his pocket and placed it on the table.

"Could you set this into a golden band? It's a…a gift."

"Ahhh a _gift_ you say?" Lionel gave him a coy smile. "How soon would you need it?"

"Is tonight pushing my luck?"

"Absolutely not! I'll start on it right away. It'll be ready by the time the bakery closes."

"I owe you one, Lionel!" Peeta surged out the shop a new man, his emotions too unfamiliar to try to make sense of. The day at the bakery seemed slow in anticipation for the coming night. His heart nearly stopped when Katniss came into the bakery around two. Her game bag was hanging from her shoulder and twigs and fresh leaves were still attached to her long braid. She seemed so in her element, the mixture and smell of nature around her making her seem even _more_ beautiful.

"Hey you!" He bounced over to her by the door and planted a long kiss on her lips.

"Hey yourself. What's eating you?"

"Just a beautiful day! Wouldn't you agree?" She was eyeing him suspiciously.

"Are you trying to get something past me?"

"What? Katniss I could nev—"

"I know you, Peeta Mellark." He kissed her again then went back to the kitchen to grab a bag he had set aside for her just moments ago. She knew instantly by the smell in the air.

"My favorite?"

"A dozen cheese buns just for you." She smiled.

"You certainly know how to brighten my day." He pulled her close.

"Hey, wear something nice tonight."

"Why?"

"I have a surprise."

"I hate surprises."

"For me? Please?" She pulled away and snatched the bag from his hands.

"Maybe." She kissed his cheek, took a cheese bun from the bag and headed out the door. He shook his head; that woman was a complete piece of work. The traffic of customers was light for the remainder of the day, the need to keep all the ovens going seeming mute. He even sent Rory home early.

"Hey, kid." Haymitch walked over to him as the day was ending, the final slice of blueberry pie walking out the door with their final customer.

"Hmm?" He nearly sang in response. He was already scrubbing at the dirty pans in the sink, hoping to get home as soon as possible.

"You're up to something, aren't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"The way you were looking at the girl today. It was different. More nauseating than usual. What are you up to?" The standoffish man pulled a flask from his back pocket and took a long swig. Peeta demanded that he not drink during business hours and so far, he kept his promise. But, there was nothing for him to do once the bakery shut down and the need for friendly demeanor was over for the day.

"Nothing that concerns you, Haymitch." He continued to eye him suspiciously.

"You knock her up?"

"No! You know…she doesn't want…I couldn't—"

"Hey, hey! Calm down, kid. I was just messing with you." Peeta tried to breathe deeply and calm himself. The gates of his restless mind had opened just enough to make the thoughts swirl. Haymitch was around him enough these days to recognize an episode almost as well as Katniss.

"I'm…I'm ok. I'm ok." His grip on the sponge and pie pan underneath the soapy water eased as the gate in his mind closed. He watched the concerned eyes of his mentor and sighed deeply. Haymitch was the closest thing to family he had left and the only human being on this earth who could make the pang of loneliness his father left behind vanish slightly. He could be paternal when he wanted to, and when he did, oh how wonderful it was. Peeta had placed his life in his hands more than once, so telling him couldn't hurt.

"If you have to know…I…We are…toasting. Tonight. Katniss and I." Haymitch was in mid-swig when he spit the harsh liquor all over the wall beside him.

"Katniss finally agreed to it?"

"Well…I didn't formally ask…or tell her, really. I just thought I would surprise her…"

"You know she hates surprises."

"Yeah, well…whatever. Don't try to talk me out of it cause I'm going through with it. Even if she runs out on me, at least I tried." He went back to scrubbing, the silence in the room making him second-guess himself. He felt the hard pat of Haymitch's hand on his shoulder.

"Boy, I hope you know that that girl will never deserve you. But she's making you ballsier. I like it. Congratulations." And with that he was out the door. Peeta finished the dishes quickly then placed the dough he had set-aside especially for tonight in the oven. It was filled with the fresh cranberries and raspberries Katniss had brought in from her hunt yesterday. The first berries of the spring; perfect for their step forward.

He raced back to the jeweler and caught him just as he was closing up shop. Lionel had a soft smile on his face and a velvet box in his hand.

"I was going to bring it over to the bakery. I didn't forget about you, Peeta." He smiled shyly and took it from him gratefully. Peeta tried to pay him, but Lionel simply shook his head and started for his home. When the bread was out the oven and wrapped up to be taken home, Peeta opened the box before locking up. The pearl seemed to be shining brighter than before, the iridescent colors of its skin glimmering. It fit perfectly on the simple gold band, locked together forever. His heart was racing at the image of the ring adorning Katniss's finger for the rest of her days. The rest of their days _together. _

The sun was at the edge of the sky when He crossed the Victors Village gate. The lights in the house were on and he suddenly realized how messy he looked for the occasion: flour covered hair and clothes, grains of sugar dug into the beds of his nails.

"Katniss?" He called when he entered the house. There was no response. He set the bread and velvet box on the kitchen counter and took the steps two at a time. She was nowhere to be found. Assuming she went to check on Haymitch, he took the alone time to get ready. He took a quick shower to rinse the day from his skin and ease his mind. What if she did say no? What if she finally realized that there was a man stronger, more resilient and stable than him out there? The tall broad shouldered man with the seam eyes and dark hair flashed behind his eyes and he could feel reality slipping past him.

"No! Not now!" He fought with his entire being, refusing to let the darkness of his past take him away from the promise of his future. He wanted her to see him standing tall and confident, not sobbing and weak, as she was accustomed. It took a few punches to the tiled shower wall, resulting in bloody knuckles, but the room remained clear and unshiny. He made it through. He searched into the depths of his closet for the old suits Portia had made for him. He ran his fingers over the fine Capitol fabric and felt a wave of emotions wash over him. He missed her desperately, her calm voice and steady hands always anchoring him during such a time of uncertainty. He settled on the white suit he wore at the banquet thrown for them in District Four during their victory tour. It was a fairly good memory for them, their toes meeting the warmth of sand for the first time. It was one of the rare moments of their past where the small joy radiating in their hearts felt real, the joining of their hands as they walked the beach feeling natural. The fabric was a little snug, the years of outgrowing boyhood stretching him farther than Portia intended at the time, but it still fit.

When he went back downstairs he was stunned in his tracks; Katniss was sitting on the living room floor, her long lilac dress covering her legs as she sat before the fire. Her hair was loose and tamed around her shoulders, the thick black waves falling around her round face like black velvet. Her cheeks were slightly rosy with blush; her lips tinted a matching color slightly. Her blush deepened when she caught his gaze.

"How?" He gasped. How had she known?

"I know you, Peeta Mellark." She stood up and the air was snatched from his lungs. Her dress fell to the floor, the bottom ruffling slightly. The soft silky material cinched around her waist accentuating her hips and the slight v-neck at her chest exposed just the perfect amount of skin. She looked like a goddess; _his_ goddess. She met him at the base of the stairs and took his hands.

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Oh, Peeta, it was. I came home after seeing you this afternoon and thought for hours what exactly you were planning. It took me hours to figure this out. That you would want…well, _me_." He placed a stray hair behind her ear and kissed the tip of her nose.

"I have something for you." He went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife, the loaf, and the box, his hands shaking violently with nerves. She followed him into the living room and they sat at the hearth of the fireplace. She was eyeing him quietly as he held the box out to her and opened it. Her wide grey eyes were orbs of surprise and love when she saw the ring.

"Peeta is that—"

"I had it set into a ring so you could always remember. The first time we found a moment of peace in total destruction. You don't have to wear it if you don't want, but I thought you'd like it."

"Oh, Peeta. I absolutely love it." She held her hand out to him and hee nervously slid the ring on her ring finger. She looked drunk with happiness. She took the knife and the loaf and cut two slices of the still warm bread for them. The inevitability of this moment rang through the air, but they were both still so nervous, so unaware of _how_ this was happening. She holds her piece into the flames first, her eyes never leaving his.

"I'm no good at this, but I feel like I should try to say something. I just…words don't measure what you have done for me, Peeta. You changed me, molded me, and made me a better person than I ever was before even with all these new scars and broken pieces. You love me when I don't love myself and center me when I want nothing more than to float away into nothing. I need you more than I need the air around us. You are all I will ever need for the rest of my days." She retrieved her piece from the flames; the bread toasted perfectly, not an ounce of char on it. It was his turn yet he felt frozen. He placed his piece in the roaring flames, the warmth holding him steady as he looked into her serious yet soft eyes, silent tears slipping from them.

"Katniss, you have been my life since that first day of school. You held me even as a young girl and I knew that there was only a future if you were a part of it. You are the reason I made it through the torture and the darkness. You…You are everything. I don't want to imagine a life without you. I don't want to ever experience anything without you. I want your arms anchoring me to reality forever. I just want you. And even if the other things I desire can never happen, if I have you they won't ever matter. Only you. Only you. I love you." He could feel his fingers burning with the flames, but he didn't want to ever leave this moment. Ever lose the feeling of her fiery gaze set upon him. When she pulled his hand from the flames and they watched the burnt piece of bread go from red to black, they laughed through their happy tears. The boy with the bread was saving Katniss Everdeen once again with burnt bread, once again giving her hope for the future. They intertwined their arms and fed each other their respective pieces. As the warm perfection of her piece met his tongue and the burnt intentions of his met hers, everything felt so perfectly in place. They were here in this moment as one entity; they were in this forever.

The next day when she walked through the front door of the bakery, a wide smile on her face, Posy, her long dark hair and grey eyes shimmering, ran up to her, pigtails bouncing.

"Hi Ms. Everdeen! You look pretty today!" Hazelle looked at Katniss with a sorrowful look, but she simply smiled. Her eyes met his and with a wink, she kneeled down in front of the girl and patted her head.

"Thank you, sweetheart. And, for the record, it's Mrs. Mellark now. How about we get you a cookie, hmm?" Hazelle looked between Peeta and Katniss in surprise, the shock on her face shifting to a silent face of joy. He thought back to the night he spun her around the dance floor at Delly's wedding and wished for a replica of it. Here, in this reality with Katniss as his wife and knowing that the union was completely their own settled so perfectly inside him. Seeing her with the young girl gave him hope. You can never reclaim the past, but you can sure as hell work towards an even better future.


	3. Taking Chances

**A/N: I want to say thank you again to everyone who has recommend, commented and even glanced at this story. I truly appreciate it! School is hectic with finals coming up and other personal things so I do apologize for how long it took me to put this up. I like to take my time with my chapters and make them as good as possible for y'all. I think I have a oneshot in the works as well to come soon! As always, leave a comment or whatever. I love hearing from you (:**

* * *

"Don't look down, Peeta!"

"I'm doing my best." The quiver in his voice made her chuckle slightly. She was a good two feet above him in the tree, going as slow as she felt was humanly possible. He was taking his sweet time surveying each and every branch before lifting himself. It took years but she finally convinced him to climb her favorite tree with her to show him what she does each and every day. She wanted him to see what calmed her and brought her a feeling of safety. From up here you could see the wide expanse of her woods, the never-ending rolling hills and trees. He wasn't a fan of the woods, their time in the games a good guess as a catalyst of his fear, but they promised each other that this year would be about taking chances. So here he was, climbing her tree.

"Almost there!" Katniss settled onto her usual branch, one leg over each side. She took in a deep breath of the warm mid-summer air, a soft breeze flowing through the hair at the nape of her neck. The sounds of Peeta's exasperated grunts took her out of her moment of calm. At first she only saw his hands, soon his head appeared, his face red with exertion. He pulled himself onto the branch across from her, completely out of breath.

"I…cannot…_believe_…I let you…drag me…"

"Hush. Don't waste the air."

"I almost died."

"Shhh." He did as he was told, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. Her hand reached across the branch to rest on his thigh. The feeling of being high in the air along with his presence brought her a feeling she had never known. She was so…well, there were no accurate words for it.

"It's peaceful up here."

"I know. Look." She pointed to the west where the trees seemed to grow more plentiful. The sound of his breath hitching in his throat made her smile.

"_Wow_."

"I know." His eyes were wide with wonder, the beautiful azure sparkling in amazement. She wished she could capture the look on his face, one she hoped to never forget.

"It's so beautiful." He reached into the pack strapped across his chest and pulled out his sketchpad and a stick of charcoal. She chuckled at him; even though he complained about being "dragged" out here, he brought his sketchpad to capture everything he saw. Her husband was a piece of work. They sat in the tree for hours, the warm summer breeze and fresh water and fruit Katniss stashed into her bag keeping them cool. She watched him as he sketched frantically, trying to capture every possible detail of the landscape. His attention to detail in his art was so mesmerizing but also slightly manic. He would drive himself crazy if he missed something as trivial as a loose eyelash. After awhile she felt her body yearn for his touch.

"Peeta."

"Hmmm?" From the looks of it, he was just finishing the outline of the forest and was beginning to fill in the finer details. It was breathtaking.

"Lets go home."

"Oh, Katniss, I'm nowhere near finished."

"Hey." He finally looked up and caught her gaze, her eyebrows rising slightly. He caught on immediately.

"_Oh_."

"Race ya!" She was halfway down the tree before he packed up his things. He seemed a little more comfortable with the woods after their time in the air, his movements a bit more organized as he shimmied down to meet her. He lifted her over his shoulder the moment his feet reached the ground. She beat his back playfully and he smacked her ass in response.

"Peeta Mellark!" They were on the road in town now, patrons smiling and waving at them.

"Yes, Katniss Mellark?" She could hear the grin in his voice. It had been five years since their toasting, but it seemed that he would never get accustomed to her name adjoining his. Katniss always saw marriage as a couple scribbled signatures on a certificate. You can have the all the joys and rewards that come with marriage without the absolute title. But she could not deny that something about their relationship changed after their toasting. She loved that he surprised her, not giving her fickle mind time to talk her out of the ceremony. The moment his burnt bread touched her lips she felt so complete, so completely filled with hope and happiness that she felt she could have exploded. They interacted differently, almost as if they were using the same organs. The pictures of them that adorned their home usually showcased identical expressions and movements. She just felt…_happier_. He was hers in every possible way now and she his. It was one less nightmare she had to endure.

When they made it back to the house the phone was ringing. Their phone rarely rang since they only received phone calls from Dr. Aurelius, her mother, Johanna or Annie.

"Ignore it." Katniss panted onto his wet lips. He responded by kissing her harder, snaking his tongue into her mouth as he picked her up and lead her up the steps. His shirt was on the floor the moment they passed the doorway and he was pinning her to the bed, her arms spread above her head. She laughed when she looked at the golden mane that she adored and noticed a few stray twigs.

"You have twigs in your hair."

"What?"

"You have twigs in your hair!"

"I guess I'm trying something new. You like it?"

"Absolutely adore it."

"How much?"

"I'd show you but you kinda have me pinned here."

"What, the great Katniss Everdeen can't survive without her hands?"

"It's _Mellark_. And I believe you rather enjoy what I can do with my hands." He captured her lower lip with his teeth and she wanted nothing more than for him to free her hands so she could touch him.

The phone began to ring _again_ seeming louder this time. Peeta sighed and reached over her to answer much to her protest.

"Peeta, don—"

"Hello?" He sighed even louder and placed the phone back on the receiver and putting it on speaker.

"I cannot _believe_ you two tried to ignore _me_! As if you two don't fuck each other's brains out enough already!" Katniss banged her head on the headboard at the sound of Johanna's loud voice booming into the room.

"Hi Johanna."

"Don't sound so irritated, Brainless. I'll make it quick so you can get back to buttering peg-leg's breadstick." She couldn't help but smile regardless of how irritated she was that Johanna was badgering them. Her rough charm was undeniable.

"What is it, Jo?" Peeta was sitting up against the headboard and Katniss rested her head on his bare chest.

"Well, I was talking to Annie and Mrs. Everdeen the other day and we were all wondering why the hell haven't you two left that dreadful district yet?"

"What do you mean?" Peeta was running his hands through the end of her braid and she found herself tuning Johanna out.

"Why haven't you come to visit us in Four?" Now she had her attention.

"You know I'm not allowed to leave."

"Bullshit that was almost ten years ago, Katniss. Try to be a little less brainless."

"We have everything we need here."

"Sure, but we would love to see you. And you guys have never seen Ty in person and god; he's so big now. And your mom misses you Katniss. The sun would be good for you!" Katniss caught Peeta's eye for a moment and he shrugged his shoulders.

"You know I won't let it go so you might as well say yes."

"At least let us think about it?"

"Whatever. I'm calling you everyday until you say yes. And don't think about not answering." As the call ended so did all the heat from a few minutes ago.

"Sometimes I don't know what to do with Johanna."

"She has a point."

"She does?"

"I mean…I've thought about it…Going on a vacation. It could be nice for us." Katniss sat up and tried to take in Peeta's gaze. He was looking at the comforter, avoiding her gaze.

"But _why_?"

"I don't know…change of scenery?"

"What, you don't like it here?"

"That's not what I said, Katniss."

"Why won't you look at me?" He sighed loudly and looked her in the eyes, annoyance evident.

"Katniss, I love being here in twelve. I could never see myself living anywhere else and a lot of that has to do with you. But beyond that, there is nothing wrong with exploring the rest of the districts. The last time we left twelve the world was crumbling around us. I think it would be nice to see how the other districts are fairing. Look at how much Twelve is prospering! Don't you want to see what we did? What _you_ did?" She thought for a moment. She would be lying if she said she never thought about what the other districts looked like now that there was peace throughout the land. Her mother makes Four sound so vivid and full of life during their conversations, so much so that she sometimes yearned for the sand between her toes. And she couldn't deny that it would be wonderful to see Jo and her mother again. Sometimes the sounds of their voices across the phone line were not enough to fill the longing in her heart. The longing she felt for her mother and best friend were sometimes deeper that what the strong arms of her husband could push away, sticking her to the sheets of their bed for days.

"What about the bakery?" Peeta smiled at her weakly, shaking his head. Her stubborn nature seemed to only increase throughout the years.

"Rory and Haymitch can run that bakery without me for a little while." That was true. Peeta took Rory on as his official apprentice a few months after he graduated from school. Peeta wanted to add his name to the bakery, but Rory refused him completely.

"I guess…I guess it couldn't hurt." His smile widened to his eyes and he leaned down to capture her lips. She felt herself smiling against him, because it was impossible to not reciprocate when he was smiling like _that_.

* * *

Katniss pulled the collar of her jacket closer to her face as she slid closer to Peeta's side and away from the window. He chuckled at her, which made her pinch his side tightly.

"Ow!"

"Stop laughing at me!"

"No one is laughing at you, Katniss."

"You're a liar."

"Ok, maybe a little. You can't tell me that it isn't a little comical that you're hiding from the window."

"I did my time of being stared at by strangers against my will, thank you very much." He placed a soft kiss on her cheek and returned his gaze to the soft plains passing by the window. It always seemed that he knew something she didn't. As if he was always in on a secret that allowed him to shake the fears away. After all these years Peeta Mellark managed to stump her. She looked around their train car and took in the faces around them. Everyone was minding their own business; either searching through the passing land out the window or reading or something of the like. She met the eyes of a little boy who seemed to be staring at her before she noticed him. His bright green eyes were bright and unsuspecting and he smiled at her. He tugged on his father's shirt and motioned towards her. The man squinted at her; then his eyes grew wide with knowledge. Fear surged through her and the thought of every person in the car noticing and bombarding her sent her heart rate through the roof. Instead of announcing to everyone around them, the man brought three fingers to his lips and motioned towards her slightly and nodded his head. She nodded in reply with a soft smile and the man and child returned to their own devices.

There were so many things that man said to her in the small gesture and it gave Katniss a feeling of gratification she never thought she needed. He was thanking her, not only for ending the time of fear and tyranny, but also for allowing his little boy to live in a happier time. His young son would be able to frolic and be happy for the entirety of his life, no fear of starvation or Hunger Games to end his life before his due. It never really stuck with her that things were better because of what she and Peeta had done. The people of twelve saw them as kids who were thrust into an impossible situation, but this man and millions like him saw them as a savior. As hope. It was not something she was comfortable with, but it didn't feel as…smothering knowing that her misfortune brought others peace. She would never be able to escape being the Mockingjay; that she was well aware of. Maybe one day she could be ok with that fact.

"Peeta?"

"Hmm?" His eyes were closed, his breathing even. She watched him for a moment, her frantic energy beginning to match with his steadiness.

"What we did…what we endured…it was all worth it? Real or not real?" His eyes opened and he looked at her, his brows furrowing at the mentioning of their morbid game. Even he didn't know how to answer accurately.

"I think so…Yeah. Real."

"I think so, too."

* * *

"Oh, Katniss, honey you look great!" Her mother's voice quivered in her ear as she hugged her tightly. She was fighting back tears of her own, the sheer fact that her mother was actually holding her becoming a bit much. When the embrace ended, she felt like a little child, wanting nothing more than to be enveloped in her mother's arms for eternity. She hugged Peeta tightly and it was evident that her arms were having the same effect on him.

"I am so glad you came! The sun will be good for you." Katniss took her mother's hand and squeezed tightly. Peeta grabbed their bags and they left the station heading towards the parking lot.

"Four has become so modernized over the past years. Almost everyone owns a car now. I don't like them much so if I can't walk somewhere I have Johanna cart me around." She pointed towards a small red convertible parked at the front of the station. Johanna's spiky messy brown mane was blowing in the wind as she sat uncomfortably in the front seat. Katniss felt her hand slip from her mother as she sprinted towards the car.

"Johanna!" Her head shot up and she smiled brightly.

"Well hey there, Brainless. Told you that you'd be dying to see me." The tears were flowing unrelentingly now, the sheer impact of all the joy inside her spilling over. She leaned into the car and hugged her tightly.

"God, I missed you!"

"Yeah, I'd miss me, too. Where's Peg Leg?"

"Wobbling behind you!" Peeta was at her side now and wrapped Johanna in his arms.

"How are you, Jo?"

"Pretty good, I have to say. Things are…good. Toss that shit in and lets get moving cause I am _starving_!" They did as they were told, knowing a hungry Johanna only exemplifies her snarky nature. Katniss took the front seat while her mom and Peeta crammed together in the back. It felt weird being in a car again, strange memories of being carted from the station at the Capitol to the training center drifting in the back of her mind. The car was silent most of the drive, the warmth and invigorating scent of salt in the air was enough for them. She was already glad she didn't say no to this trip. It had been ten minutes and she already felt more at peace with the strong sun beaming over them. She looked over at Johanna to take in her friend and she realized something was different…_really_ different. The normally jaunt and strong ridges of her cheekbones were puffier, her entire face taking on a new roundness. The sharp muscles of her arms were flabbier as if she hasn't lifted an axe in months. Her eyes searched her body and she noticed the round bump creating distance between her and the wheel, making her uncomfortable. Her mouth fell open at the realization. Johanna was…she was…

"Pregnant?" Katniss didn't realize the word had shot out her mouth until the once calm air turned humid and uncomfortable with her destruction of the silence.

"What?" Peeta said from behind her leaning forward slightly. Johanna sighed in annoyance.

"Yeah. I got knocked up. I was gonna tell you guys back at the house."

"You're pregnant? Oh, Jo, that's so great! I'm so happy for you!" She was glad Peeta was expressing joy for their friend because all Katniss could do was stare at the strange bump connected to her and feel fear and anguish. Johanna was like Katniss on the stance about children; the constant fear of the child being snatched from her as restitution for defeating Snow's regime.

"You couldn't have told us over the phone?" Her voice was quiet. She had no idea how to handle this. She felt betrayed.

"I thought this would be more fun." Johanna chuckled to herself. She turned her eyes to Katniss for a moment to figure out her reaction. Seeming to be disappointed, she turned back to the road. The silence for the remainder of the ride was far from the peaceful silence of before. When they were parked at her mother's house, Katniss jumped out the car and nearly sprinted inside. She found the bathroom at the end of the hall and shut the door, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Katniss had always felt that she and Johanna were nearly exactly the same, Jo just being the more extravagant version. They believed in the same things, wanted the same things, felt nearly the same pain and loss…The selfish feeling of betrayal coursing through her veins was shocking her to her inner core. All these years with Peeta had made her more conscious of her selfish ways and she had been getting better and letting them go. He was making her better; at least she thought he was. She should be feeling jubilation for her friend to be taking this huge step forward and bringing life into the world. But she couldn't help but feel trapped. Was Katniss expected to jump the unwritten pact they made, too?

"Katniss?" The sound of her husbands voice outside the door made her jump but she opened the door. He watched her for a moment before stepping inside.

"Tell me what you're feeling." He sat on the toilet and she sat in his lap from habit. The proximity of his warm breath in her ear began to ease her.

"Johanna is _pregnant_." The words felt foreign and wrong slipping past her lips.

"I know."

"I just…we both…we never wanted kids."

"People change. Things you think you didn't want once before can suddenly become appealing as the years pass." He didn't mean for it to happen, but she could hear the longing in his voice. He was hoping this change would occur within Katniss but they both knew better. She left the womb stubborn and sure in her decisions and she was no different almost twenty-seven years later.

"Not on something like this. You don't just change your mind on children. Not after what we lived through. And who knew she was even dating? And why did no one tell me?"

"I know you hate hearing this, but the world doesn't revolve around you, honey." She punched his arm but he simply grinned. He's grown accustom to the display of anger from her over the years.

"I just don't understand. None of this makes sense."

"I know. Maybe it isn't meant to make sense to you."

"But you do. You understand."

"I do. But I'm also not too stubborn to try to understand. Now come on. Your mother is asking for you and hasn't seen you in seven years." He planted a quick kiss on her cheek before guiding them out of the bathroom. Johanna and her mother were sitting on the patio, the breeze brushing their hair to their shoulders. They looked so peaceful and calm and Katniss couldn't help but feel awful for causing a scene.

"Hey." She said once they were on the patio. Jo turned to look at her and smiled weakly. Her hands were resting on her protruding belly comfortably.

"Hey."

"Peeta, why don't you come show me the right way to slice this cantaloupe? I always seem to do it wrong and it goes bad so fast." He squeezed her hand then followed her mother back into the house. She took the seat across from Jo that her mother had vacated.

"I guess this is the part where you yell at me for no reason, right?" Johanna didn't turn her gaze from the soft waves as they met the shore.

"I don't understand. Help me understand!"

"What, Katniss? I'm sorry to tell you this, but my decisions do not revolve around you!" Hearing someone remind her of her selfish nature for the second time today hit her in the gut. She often wondered why people kept her around if they knew how awful she was.

"I understand that. But…we were in this together, Jo. You are the only person on this earth who seemed to understand how I felt on things like that! And now…well, look."

"I don't need to look the kid is fucking punching _me_! I know he's there!" She pushed herself out the lounge chair and began to pace, her hand still on her stomach. The distress on her face was evident and Katniss could almost hear her heart pounding.

"Jo, are you alright?" Katniss jumped from her seat but Johanna raised a hand to silence her. She began to whisper to herself in a calm even voice, so soft that it was mesmerizing to even Katniss.

"Calm down sweet pea, we're alright. You're fine. Mommy is fine. We are always going to be fine. Always. Always. Always." With each word her face loosened until she took a deep breath and seemed to be completely fine again.

"I get a little panicked when the kid moves around. I have to remind myself just as much as the munchkin to cool it." Katniss felt her mouth fall open slightly at the woman before her. This wasn't the Johanna she had seen a few years ago, but a woman changed by circumstance and hope. A woman who refused to live in the past and let the fear run her existence. A woman who was free. Her glow was evident, the once permanent dark circles gone and wrinkles of stress turned to lines of laughter. She should have realized it when Johanna told her she was moving to Four to be near Annie and Ty. She never thought about it twice, never connecting the proximity to the beach as a detriment. Johanna has conquered her fears by hurling herself into their depths yet Katniss was still hiding.

"You're different, Jo."

"Good observation."

"No I mean…you're better. I never realized any of it because I was too busy worrying about my own shit." She shrugged.

"I don't blame you for it. I just had to do some soul searching. Figure some shit out for myself. Make changes. I was sick of being scared all the time, ya know? Of holding myself back from shit I deserve. And it's not like I never wanted a kid I was just too scared to imagine myself as a mom. Afraid of the world snatching him away from me like they did everything else I love. I didn't want to be selfish, so I acted like it was a stupid fantasy. But we always imagined freedom as a stupid fantasy too, ya know? And look where we are. I don't know I guess I just gave in. I'm not as strong in my convictions as you are, Katniss."

"Maybe not, but you are definitely stronger than me. I still can't imagine what you and Peeta went through and how you both managed to pick up the pieces."

"We're all fucked up. Different methods, but fucked up just the same."

"But you both seem better off than I am; more willing to move on. It's been nearly a decade and I still can't say her name."

"So what? You never move on from losing someone you love, trust me. You just learn to function. And you have! What you and Peeta have together? It's so beautiful. I'm not into the lovey-dovey shit, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't kill for a bond like what you two have."

"What about…"

"There was a guy, obviously. When I first found out I asked him if he could ever want kids and he told me no. So I cut it off. I don't know, I won't say I'll never see him again. But as of right now, it's just munchkin and I." They looked at the setting sun quietly for a moment. Her mind was racing, so many thoughts and questions racing.

"Jo?"

"Hmm?"

"He wants them. _So_ badly. He doesn't say it but I know. It's the way he looks at the kids as they walk home from school or when he can't resist giving them free treats when they come with their parents to the bakery. He paints them, our kids. He tries to hide them from me but I always find them. Two girls, one with my hair and eyes and his smile the other with one long blonde ponytail and stark blue eyes. He lies about his nightmares now and I know it's because they are about losing those girls and I just don't know what to do. I can't give him kids and he knows that but it doesn't stop him from wanting them."

"You keep saying you can't as if someone or something is stopping you. What do _you_ want, Katniss?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. You always know what you want you just refuse to acknowledge it. We have lived through entirely too much to live in fear of what if's anymore. The world has crumbled around us yet here we stand. I'm scared shitless of ruining this kid, but that is what every parent feels, not just the victors. I can only do my best and hope that my best will be enough. For some reason we were chosen to keep living so you might as well live." Katniss smiled weakly and leaned into her friend.

"Thanks, Jo."

"It's what I'm here for, Brainless."

* * *

"Tell me about the hospital." They were all settled in for the night but Katniss realized she had not had any alone time with her mother since she arrived. They were lying in her mother's bed, her soft arms steadying her as she rested her head on her chest.

"It's going well! We just made ground on our new mental health branch and that will be open for business in about a year. I'm so glad they finally gave us funding for it. I've been pushing the concept for over four years now."

"That's so great, mom." Katniss felt so safe in her mother's embrace and she was so thankful for the peace it brought her. She spent so much of her life fighting her desire to be held and loved especially by her mother. The forgiveness for all the abandonment of her childhood came slowly, but it still came.

"I'm taking on less shifts on the floor to concentrate on some of the corporate work for the mental health ward. It's different and definitely a bit more boring, but I love it."

"I'm glad."

"How is Twelve?"

"Twelve is great. So many people have come back. Old neighbors and even people from other districts. You would cry if you saw the town square, it is completely redone. So many new shops and markets. And the Seam has all new brick homes. It's really beautiful."

"That is so wonderful. I really wish I could see it." The sadness in her mother's voice drove Katniss to plant a soft kiss on her cheek. Over the years she has grown more understanding of her mother's pain and distress. She still could not wrap her head around how a mother could completely check out of her children's lives, but she was all too familiar with the pain of losing the person who is your world. Her chest still constricts slightly when he walks out the door in the morning and it never really goes away until he is rocking her in his arms in the night.

"How are _you_?"

"I'm alright. I could even say good. Peeta has done so much for me and my sanity I can't even find the words. He just gives and gives and gives. I don't understand how I get to wake up next to him every morning and fall asleep in his arms each night."

"That's love, sweetheart."

"I guess so."

"I felt the same way about your father. No one seemed to understand how the apothecary's daughter could run off with some filthy Seam brat. But he was just so…kind and full of love. That man didn't have a negative bone in his body." Katniss watched her mother intently, soaking up every word and description. She has never heard her mother speak about her father in such an extensive manner. She looked almost lost in a memory, as if she could feel his arms lifting her into the sky, her eyes closed as if she could hear his song.

"My goodness, don't know what got into me." She said quietly as she wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

"It's ok. You've never talked about him before. Not like that."

"I've never heard you speak about Peeta the way you just did, either. Guess we're more similar than we like to admit." Her mother ran her hand down her long braid softly and she wanted nothing more than to always feel this happy.

"Katniss, will you promise me something?"

"Sure."

"Promise me that you won't hold yourself back? Your entire life, even when you were a baby, you were always so thoughtful and concerned. You would never run through the meadow until you surveyed it to make sure it was safe or speak to someone without consenting with me even if you had known them your entire life. It's all about survival for you and I understand it, I really do, but things are different now. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can _live_ now and I want you to do that! Enjoy life. You have a husband who would move districts for you and I don't want you to let all these wonderful years drift by because you were hell bent on surviving. Promise me that you'll live. Ok?"

Before she could respond there was a soft knock on the door.

"Come in!" As if he knew they were talking about him, Peeta walked through the door, a small smile on his lips.

"Hope I'm not interrupting. I just wanted to check on you guys." Katniss rolled her eyes, the goodness of that man bringing a smile to her lips.

"We're fine. I was actually just kicking her out. I have to get up early for work in the morning."

"You were?"

"I was. Out, out, out!" She kissed her head and pushed her to the edge of the bed.

"Alright!"

"I'm glad we talked."

"Me too." When they were outside the door, Peeta scooped her up in his arms and took her to the guest cabin just adjacent to the house.

"I feel like I haven't seen you all day." He said into her neck as he placed a wet kiss there.

"Mhmm." She was lost in his lips and his traveling hands, her vocal chords tired from all the talking she has had to do today. She wanted nothing more than to shut off her mind and let her husband ravish her in the many ways he was versed, but every time she closed her eyes she saw the image of two little girls, one blonde and one brunette, and the sounds of their joyous wails as they ran outside their bedroom door.

* * *

Seeing Peeta with Ty made Katniss's heart suffocate with guilt. The moment they walked through the door to Annie's house and that little boy sprinted into his arms he hasn't allowed himself to be more than three feet away.

"I just cannot get over how great it is having you guys here!" Annie said as she sipped on her lemonade. Her voice was still small and almost inaudible, but she seemed to be a bit more put together than when she had last seen her.

"Yeah, we're really enjoying the change of scenery." They looked out to the water where Peeta and Ty were splashing around, all smiles and laughter. That tiny brown head of matted hair and the free blonde curls dancing in the cool water.

Katniss felt sick.

"He looks so much like him that it hurts to look sometimes." Annie was drawing circles in the sand with her toes and her eyes were tracing the circles almost manically. She could see her eyes beginning to glaze over as her mind visits a happier place: a place where Finnick is beside her and their son. Katniss touches her hand softly and Annie snaps back instantly.

"Sorry."

"Never apologize." They shared a soft smile and watched the boys. "How do you do it?"

"What do you mean?"

"With Ty. How do you keep it together for him?"

"I would be a lair if I said that I was always 100%. There are times when I lose my grip on reality and forget that Finnick is gone and just…awful, awful things. But he just climbs into my lap and hugs me. That boy _is_ my sanity. I keep it together because I have him. Losing Finnick will always leave the biggest hole in my heart, but Ty is my everything. He filled the holes even Finnick could never mend." Hearing those words and seeing the joy on Peeta's face opened a new set of emotions she did not know existed within her. Annie's words made _sense_ and it frightened her. Spending your entire life believing one thing and then growing to realize that that belief was false shakes you to the core. Having children was selfish and reckless, that rang true with or without the Hunger Games. But this generation of children could be happy and know better than those before them. So many little dandelions waiting to be picked and bring reassurance of hope.

When they were back at the house later that night Katniss stood on the patio pondering the day. When his arms found their way around her waist she knew they had to have a conversation.

"Did you have a good day?" She asked him.

"A fantastic day, actually."

"I'm glad."

"It was so great seeing Annie. And Ty is such a terrific kid. She's doing a great job with him."

"Yeah, she really loves him. It's amazing how she has made that work, ya know?"

"Yeah. I guess that's what you do when you have kids. You make it work no matter what." She turned in his arms and placed her hands on both sides of his face. The joyous glow from earlier was still radiating in his eyes.

"You want them."

"Hmm?"

"Two girls: one with my hair and eyes another who looks so much like Prim yet is all you."

"Katniss, what are you talking about?"

"I've seen them: In your paintings, in your nightmares, in your dreams. I know you want them."

"Honey, I never—"

"You don't have to! Just because you don't say it doesn't mean you stop wanting it!" He took a step away from her. "Say it."

"Katniss—"

"Say it. _Please_." He looked past her at the never-ending ocean, then released a sigh.

"I want kids, Katniss." Something about hearing the words escape his lips burned her heart and reaffirmed her inability to bring his desire to fruition.

"I…I can't—"

"What is this? Why are you doing this? Why?"

"I thought…I…I don't—"

"Look, I know that children are not in your plan and that they never will be. I know that. I never asked. I know better than to ask. I was…I keep telling myself that I'll get over it and it will be ok eventually and I know it will be because I have you. All I need is you. Ok? So why ask me that if you're just going to tear me down? Why make me do that?"

"I don't know! I thought…I don't know, Peeta. I'm sorry." He threw his hands in the air and stormed into the cabin. Her legs forced her forward. "Peeta!"

"What!" He stopped in his tracks and turned to her, tears falling down his face intensely.

"Please don't be mad at me."

"How could I ever be mad at you, Katniss? I know who you are. I know what I got myself into. Loving you is a job and I never get a moment off, not even to be mad at you."

"What does that fucking mean?"

"It means that I love you and I could never be mad at you, alright?"

"Tell the truth."

"Leave it alone."

"Tell the truth!"

"I said leave it alone!" The lamp on the table next to him was shattered on the floor in seconds, dimming the room slightly. "Fuck!"

"If being with me is such a burden the door is right there."

"I'm not leaving you. I am not complaining about being with you. I was simply making a statement."

"You think being with you is all rainbows and unicorns?"

"No! Jesus, Katniss just leave it alone! _Please_!" He went to the side closet and grabbed a broom and dustpan. As he swept up the lamp her anger continued to fester. She had no idea why she was angry. She took his heart and stomped on it for no reason, yet she was fuming as if he had hurt her.

"You're making me feel guilty for something I cannot control." He stopped sweeping.

"You think I am making you feel guilty for not wanting kids? Did you not hear a word I said?"

"I can't help that the thought of having kids terrifies me! When I see what you see, I don't see me in the image. I see you with these beautiful girls and they are so stunning and beautiful and perfect and you are just as perfect with them but I…I can't do that. I can't be someone's mom. I wasn't put here for that."

"You know what your problem is, Katniss? You are so fucking selfish. So selfish that you can't even see past your own fucking nose! You don't want kids and I get that. I respect that. Keep your reasoning and your rationale because I do not care. I'm here. I have been here with you for almost ten years and I love you and I am happy and content with you. I do not push you or guilt you or _ask_ you about the topic because I already know the answer. You want to be the victim. You want me coddle you and understand your reasoning and I honestly don't want to. I don't understand your reasoning. I really don't. I lost everything. I lost _more_ than everything. Johanna lost everything and so did Annie and your mom and the entire country. There is no more room to be the victim. Don't lean back on excuses. Own up to it. You don't want kids. Fine. End of story." He picked up the dustpan and walked out the room leaving Katniss completely stunned. Was it his words, the vitriol behind them or the honesty and reality of them that had her ears ringing? She didn't know how to feel or how to digest his words because…well, he's never spoken to her like that before. He was always honest with her, lying was something they outlawed when they first came together. But his words were always soft and gentle, honest but without harm. She was the brutally honest one, almost too honest. But he would just smile nod and say, "You're right, Katniss."

She walked to the bedroom to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, his prosthetic resting by the loveseat in the corner. His head was in his hands and he was talking to himself.

"Do you hate me?" He spread his fingers so he could see her.

"Why aren't you understanding the words I am saying?"

"You have never talked to me like that, Peeta. I don't understand how…what do you want from me? Tell me what you want and I'll do it."

"Just be more conscious. You still don't realize the effect you have on people, even after all these years. Every time you doubt that I love you it kills me inside. I love _you_. I would not be here if were not for _you_. I could never love anything or anyone more than you. Come here." She took the spot next to him and curled into his side. Her chest began to heave and sobs were leaving her rapidly. He continued to whisper, "I love you" into her ear over and over. As she cried into his chest, the words of her mother floated into her mind.

_"Promise me you won't hold yourself back. Promise me that you'll live."_

She never truly had a chance to reflect on what her mother meant but now it seemed to settle on her. Johanna stopped holding herself back. Annie stopped holding herself and even Peeta. Everyone around her was making the decision to live and be happy but her. It would take her awhile, but in her heart she could almost feel the freedom seeping through. All the things she refused to let herself want slowly finding a voice inside her. It could take a few months, maybe even years, but she was deciding right here and now that she would at least try.

"Ask me next year." Her voice was quiet from the intensity of her episode, but it was sure.

"What?"

"Ask me again next year. I…I want to think about it. I want to get comfortable with the idea. I think…maybe one day…Just, not today. Next year. Ask me next year." She sat up and looked into those cerulean orbs that provided her with so much assurance and safety. The joy she had snatched from him earlier was back and she knew in her heart she was doing the right thing.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Ok." As they lay there waiting for sleep to take them, Katniss felt a lightness on her heart. She was taking a chance just as Peeta did when he trusted her and climbed her tree. Nothing was definite but things were changing and at a pace she felt she could accept. She was thankful for the sound of the waves beating the shore, sending her into a restful slumber.


End file.
